The Mantis-Eye Experiment

Summary

The Monarch finally has the Venture family right where he wants them -- hanging upside down above the Amazon river! But his victory is postponed when Dean suffers a strange but fairly common injury -- acute testicular tortion. According to the bi-laws of the Guild of Calamtious Intent, a temporary truce must be called in order to get Dean medical attention, so Brock and Hank are held as collateral. Doc calls on his friends Master Billy Quizboy and Mr. White to perform orchiopexy on Dean.

Capsule

We start in a scene in the Amazon jungle. The Monarch is gloating over the tied up bodies (and by bodies, I mean they're still alive) of Team Venture who are hanging over the Amazon river. Brock tells the Monarch that he's going to kill him, which only causes the Monarch to gloat more since they're all tied up pretty good. Plus in the river below awaits 'the dreaded candiru, a naughty little fish with a penchant for swimming up a man's urethra'. Owie.

Dr. Venture insists there is no such fish and starts arguing with the Monarch when Dean starts having pain in his no-no's. His words, not mine. The Monarch gloats some more but Dean is really hurt. Dr. Venture points out there's a Guild of Calamitous Intent rule that states Dean must be set free along with all of them. The Monarch, in slight disbelief, goes to consult his Guild manual.

Roll opening credits.

On the shore of the river, now untied, the Monarch tells them that they will all return to the river in two days with Brock in his custody as collateral. Dean holds his crotch in pain, yelling a bit all the while. Brock says that he's not going with the Monarch because he's a bodyguard and has his orders, so the Monarch takes Hank for Brock to guard.

In the Monarch's flying thing (Monarch-jet?) Hank is sitting shotgun and reading through the Guild handbook. He notes that the rule previously mentioned by his dad is also called 'Rusty's Law' because the rule (actually addendum) was created for Dr. Venture way back when Jonas Venture was Dr. Venture and Rusty was getting kidnapped all the time. This of course also explains why Dr. V knew so much about the law.

THE MONARCH
God, what a pro! I wish I was old enough to hate him when he was alive. Now that was an arch-enemy!

HANK
I never met my grandfather. I never even met my mom.

THE MONARCH
Hank. What would you say if I told you that your mother was someone you've met before?

HANK
What?

THE MONARCH
And what if I told you that your father is not your real father?

[HANK just stares at THE MONARCH]

THE MONARCH
Hank. Hank! I am you real father!

HANK
No way. No way, that's not true.

THE MONARCH
Psyche!! Tahh, sucker! You were all [mimicking] 'Oh daddy, you're my daddy!' You are so gullible! What is that like?!

In the back of the Monarch-jet two of the Monarch's henchmen are guarding Brock. Well actually one is eating a TV dinner and the other has a gun pointed at Brock's head. Brock asks why the gun has to be so close to his head and the eating henchman reveals that the gun isn't even loaded. Er, whoops.

Meanwhile on the X-1, Dr. Venture is questioning Dean as to find out the possible cause of his illness:

DR. VENTURE
Did you lift anything heavy?

DEAN
I told you, it's not a hernia.

DR. VENTURE
Were you roughhousing with your brother?

DEAN
Nooo.

DR. VENTURE
Oh dear god. You two haven't been... experiment with inappropriate touching-

DEAN
No! Gross!

DR. VENTURE
I know you've been seeing a lot of that little tramp who lives next door. Lord knows what kind of diseases that hussy carries.

DEAN
[groans] It's getting worse!

DR. VENTURE
Dean, I don't want you hanging around with Triana Orpheus any more. I don't approve of the way she dresses! Girls like that are usually on the dope. [gasps] Dean! Have you been shooting dope into your scrotum!? You can tell me, I'm hip!

DEAN
Daa-ad!! Why are you doing this?! I don't know what I did!! Suddenly it just felt like someone kicked me in the rocks, and- and they never took their foot away!

DR. VENTURE
Alright Dean, you're going to have to pull down your pants. I have to palpate the region.

DEAN
Please dad! Please, please, please don't feel me up!

DR. VENTURE
I'm going to palpate, Dean. This isn't any fun for me either. Do you want me to get HELPeR to do it? Is that better for you? A doddering old robot with cold, steel claws. Is that what you want?

DEAN
Ahhhuh!! I want a doctor!!

And a doctor he shall have. I guess. At the trailer of Billy Quizboy and Pete White the phone rings (as Billy is in the midst of scolding White for not flushing and White is playing video games). Dr. Venture calls to ask for Billy's assistance in the matter. Billy informs White of the situation and it seems they shall have a job. Hooray! High five!

Back on the flying Monarch thing, Hank continues to look through the Guild handbook. The Monarch asks if he's in the book, but there's no mention of the Monarch to be found. Shocker.

HANK
So where are we goin'?

THE MONARCH
Towards the blinking light. [he points at a blip on the radar] We fly by radar alone. The location of my flying cocoon is highly secretive. Even I don't know it's whereabouts. It may well be floating over the moon!

HANK
Really?

THE MONARCH
Maybe. Or even deep below the Earth's crust.

HANK
[looking out the window] Hey, it's the Grand Canyon!

THE MONARCH
Or it might be in the Grand Canyon. Hovering where everyone can see it, sure. Yeah. Wouldn't rule that out. It's plausible.

They enter the cocoon, which is pretty dark. The Monarch flips on the lights and is greeted with a hearty 'surprise!' from his henchmen, one of whom he shoots with a dart for fear of an ambush. He then introduces them to Brock and Hank, causing all the henchmen to freak out.

Meanwhile in the Venture Compound, Dean is about to be examined by Billy, who is really more of a neuro-geneticist than a urologist, but this kind of thing should be a walk in the park. With genitals for trees. And hair for grass. Nice.

In the Cocoon, the Monarch knocks on the door to his and Dr. Girlfriend's room telling her he has cake and a surprise (Brock and Hank). He goes in to find Dr. Girlfriend wearing panties and a well placed bow and singing 'for he's a jolly good fellow'. He quickly drags her aside while Hank and Brock stare and explains what's going on. Brock demands a place to sleep, saying that Hank gets kind of wiggy if he doesn't get enough sleep. The Monarch says they will be treated as kings, even though he stuck Hank in a jail cell last time he was there (back in los Dangerous).

Back at the compound White and Billy try to convince Dean to let them examine him, saying that it could be any number of things thanks to Dean's life of crazy adventure. Dean finally agrees, but only if Dr. Venture doesn't watch.

BILLY
Alright. Let's see 'em.

DEAN
I don't wanna show my junk to a little boy!

DR. VENTURE
[from behind the screen] Oh come on!

DEAN
You said you wouldn't look!

DR. VENTURE
I'm not looking!! Billy, fess up to the boy. He's been pulling that 'boy genius' crap for at least the twenty years that I've known him.

BILLY
Well no one is really that impressed with 'Master Billy Quizboy, Adult Genius'.

DR. VENTURE
Like a speech impediment and growth hormone deficiency qualifies you as a boy genius.

MR. WHITE
Don't forget the huge head.

BILLY
I copped to it. Now you guys are just ganging up on me! Could we just do this please?

[DEAN looks around for a bit and finally drops his pants]

BILLY
Holy mackerel!

[DR. VENTURE, peeking out from the screen now, looks repulsed, likewise with MR. WHITE]

BILLY
I am not prepared to rule out the parasite hypothesis.

Commercial.

Back at the Cocoon one of the henchmen is leading Brock and Hank back to The Monarch after they've slept. The henchman reveals that everyone thinks Brock and Hank are there just to visit the Monarch for his birthday, and asks them what they've gotten him as presents. Hank says he's got some candy and Brock comments (sarcastically) that the Monarch already has everything from a floating hideout to sharp henchmen in peak physical condition.

The Monarch asks if they had a good night's sleep, but Hank says he had to sleep in his clothes and now he feels all gross wearing them two days in a row... even though that's all he ever wears. But he does wash them! The Monarch orders a henchman to get Hank a change of clothes and he asks Brock if he wants one as well. Brock, however, didn't sleep in his clothes, so the henchman is ordered to also burn Brock's sheets.

After a brief Monarchologue, they get down to business. Which seems to consist of all the henchmen sitting around at all the various computer equipment half-awake. After a rather long silence Brock finally says something:

BROCK
Man this is sad.

THE MONARCH
Aahhh! Crap, you scared me!

BROCK
Don't you have nothing else do to but harp on Dr. Venture? Why haven't you tried the world domination thing yet? You afraid of the big leagues?

THE MONARCH
Pleeeeease, how stupid do I look to you? World domination. I'll leave that to the religious nuts and the Republicans, thank you. But I wouldn't be so quick to judge. The Monarch has his hands in many sinister soups. Just an... off day.

HANK
I thought my birthdays were lame.

At the Venture Compound Billy informs Dean that he has 'acute testicular torsion' which means his, uh, no-no's have spun around 180 degrees. Dr. Venture blames himself, saying he could have fixed it in the 'prototype phase'. Hmm. Billy tells Dr. V that he shouldn't blame himself and that raising a child is an experiment that no scientist is prepared for.

Back at the Cocoon the henchmen are arguing weather or not the Smurfs are mammals or insects when a shadow flashes by above them. The henchmen don't notice and continue to argue when one of the non-arguing henchies is tackled by the shadow.

Back at the compound Billy tells Dean and the Doc about their options... which are wait and let Dean's testes die or to operate and fix the issue. Dean decides on the operation (since 'untwisting' them might go horrible wrong) and Billy informs Mr. White to prep the patient and shave the region. I'll leave it at that.

Meanwhile in the Cocoon, the Monarch and Hank, now dressed in henchman gear sans the mask, look pretty bored. Just then a video call comes in from the prison area where the two previously arguing henchmen are freaked out over the shadow figure which might just be two ninjas taped together to make one giant ninja. Or a giant spider. The henchmen explain what happened (involving a sort of graphic description of a cut tendon) when Brock (the shadow) comes up behind them and bashes their heads together.

He tells the Monarch he's shutting the operation down which sends the Monarch into over-dramatic mode. He sends off a number of henchmen to secure the prison level and tells the hench-techies to fill some areas of the Cocoon with cyanide. The Monarch then thanks Brock who smiles and runs out of the view of the video screen which, seconds later, has a henchman crash into it.

And now, montage time! We're treated to various scenes of Billy operating on Dean and Brock kicking henchman ass. And Dr. Venture watching TV and eating a sandwich. The Monarch releases the butterflies on Brock, but they're all dead because someone forgot to feed him, so that plan didn't work too well. There's also a scene with Billy looking distraught and Pete finds a small pink sphere-shaped object under Dean's bed... I'm going to assume he dropped a gumball, but I can only kid myself for so long. After that Billy finishes the surgery as he and Pete look over a job well done.

Back at the Cocoon, Brock continues to whoop ass, though the Monarch insists that he is leading Brock on. Hank, always the conversant, asks if he can try on the Monarch's crown.

Brock, meanwhile, has found his way to Dr. Girlfriend's room where she is lying in bed reading (and rather scantly clad to boot):

BROCK
You scream, I'll break your neck. You understand me?

[DR. GIRLFRIEND nods]

DR. GIRLFRIEND
You're going to take advantage of me, aren't you? Well be quick with it! [she throws off the covers and arches her neck back]

BROCK
To be honest with you, I never really considered that.

DR. GIRLFRIEND
Why not?

BROCK
Just didn't.

DR. GIRLFRIEND
Well I'm not gonna beg.

Back at case de la Venture, Dean is just waking up after surgery. He finds himself laying on the couch with his crotch firmly bandaged up and his father looking over him. Dr. Orpheus, Triana and HELPeR have also joined the party (along with Billy and Pete) as Dr. Venture invited them over to cheer Dean up. Dr. O presents Dean with a zuni fetish doll and HELPeR gives him a warm freezer pop. Billy informs Dean that he hooked him up with the complete package, but Dean doesn't know what he's talking about, and I won't even venture a guess (no pun intended). Pete hands Dean an envelope. With Dean's pubes in it. Triana asks Dean if this is the most humiliating moment of his life. I'm sure you know the answer to that.

Back at the Cocoon, which is a huge mess and covered with blood and bodies of henchmen... in fact everyone looks dead except the main characters. Hank has Dr. Girlfriend with shard of glass to her throat and the Monarch has a gun pointed at Brock as Hank, now with crown, sits and watches:

THE MONARCH
Let the girlfriend go! It's me you want!

BROCK
Give me the boy, Monarch!

THE MONARCH
The boy's with me now. He has tasted the fruits of super-villainy, and found them sweet.

HANK
No I haven't.

THE MONARCH
Okay fine! [he grabs Hank and points the gun at his head] Give me the girl or your precious Hank Venture dies!!

HENCHMAN
Monarch! We have transmission from the Venture Compound!

THE MONARCH
Shit! It's your father! Everybody scramble!

At this point everyone runs around like a chicken with its head cut off attempting to clean up and get rid of all the bodies. Dr. Girlfriend finally answers the video transmission:

DR. VENTURE
Hello. Come in, Monarch. This is Dr. Thaddeus Venture. What is your status, over.

DR. GIRLFRIEND
And who may I say is calling?

DR. VENTURE
You know damn well who I am, I just said this is Dr. Thaddeus Venture, now put the Monarch on.

[THE MONARCH pushes Dr. Girlfriend away and jumps into view of Dr. Venture]

THE MONARCH
Yes, this is the Monarch! Everything is super-great and normal here!

DR. VENTURE
What are you talking about?

THE MONARCH
Has your son died yet, or was he faking it?

DR. VENTURE
No, he had a legitimate medical condition, and that's been solved.

DEAN
[jumping into view] My testicles spun around. Hey, Hank, I had emergency surgery!

DR. VENTURE
Dean, Daddy's talking now. [to the Monarch] I'm ready to finish this business with you now, so if we- is- is that blood all over you? What's going on over there?

THE MONARCH
Oh this? [he wipes some blood off his face with his finger] This is- jelly. We were just enjoying a gift pack of assorted jams and preserves. [he licks his finger which yields a disgusted but quiet groan] Mmmm, yummy.

DR. VENTURE
Brock? Hank?!

BROCK
Everything is fine, doc. We just had a little-

THE MONARCH
Party! We had a birthday party.

HANK
Hey pop!

DR. VENTURE
Is that true, Hank?

HANK
I guess. Hey Dean!

DEAN
Hank! I had my pubes shaved. I'm gonna put them under the pillow for the tooth fairy!

HANK
Did the doctor see that creepy dog dork of yours?

DR. VENTURE
Hank don't brag to your brother about your circumcision. And what are you wearing?

HANK
It's the Monarch's crown!

THE MONARCH
We had a party.

DR. VENTURE
Look, this is ridiculous! I'm taking Dean back to the Amazon as per our arrangement. Over and out!

And so we are back at the Amazon, the same way the episode started. The Monarch starts to get into his candiru speech again but Dr. Venture tells him to get on with it.

THE MONARCH
Oh, you're real fun. Cut the rope! And let them feel the sting of the Monarch!!

HANK
Oouh, TIME OUT!

Roll end credits.

And now, a public service announcement about testicular torsion:

DEAN
Testicular torsion isn't just something on TV. It's a real problem.

HANK
Testicular torsion occurs only in males, usually under twenty-five years of age.

DR. VENTURE
If you're experiencing sharp pains in the scrotum, swelling in one or both testes, or even blood in your semen, your gentiles are most likely dying.

BROCK
That's right, Doc. So if you want to keep them, you need to seek medical attention as soon as you experience pain. Like Hank and Dean here did.

DR. VENTURE
So don't be a jackass. Go see a doctor.

DEAN
If you want to keep your testicles healthy, remember these three words. Stop. Touch. And tell.

HANK
To find out more about testicular torsion, you can look in special medical books.

DEAN
Or on the interweb.

Scrotal Safety Commission.com

Notes

• The original name of this episode was Pull the Switch
  
  
• Acute testicular torsion is an actual medical condition described accurately in the show. In fact, the writer of this episode, Doc Hammer, actually suffered from this condition some twenty years ago and used his experiences in writing this episode. If you want to find out more about this excruciating yet hilarious ailment (I've not had the privilege myself, but it hurts my balls to just think about it... but it's also kind of funny) then you can check out this page but for the love of god don't scroll down too far because you'll see the pictures. I suppose I could just find a page without any pictures, but what's the fun in that?
  
  
• As linked above and mentioned at the end of the show, scrotalsafetycommission.com exists and was in fact created for this episode. There are also some scrotal safety tips on Venture Bros.com. Some hidden comments from the SSC page source:

  This crap-ass site was coded and written by Doc Hammer, to complete the vision for "Are You The God? It's Me, Dean". Ken Plume was an invaluable help in getting a server and crap like that. He is also an honorary member of AstroBaseGo. Jackson is working on a drawing of a personified scrotum right now... So if you see that, thank Jackson Publick... We Love You.

• Speaking of painful medical problems, the candiru is also mentioned by the Monarch early and late in the show. Well in fact, candirus do exist. They're actually parasitic catfish roughly one or two inches long and only found in the Amazon and Oranoco Rivers of South America. And yes, they do swim into the urethra of bathing humans. So if you're ever skinny dipping in the Amazon, do not pee. As if worrying about testicular torsion wasn't bad enough. More info here, but no gross pictures this time.
  
  
• The Zuni Fetish Doll that Dr. Orpheus gives Dean is actually from a movie called Trilogy of Terror. The third of the three stories is about an African tribal doll that comes to life and terrorizes a woman in her apartment. Fun times.
  
  
• One line by Pete White around 2/3 of the way through the episode (I didn't quote it in the capsule) is: "Unless you're that guy from INXS, and that's like your thing, the pain would be excruciating" referring to untwisting Dean's nanners. This line of course refers to the rock band INXS which was popular in the 80s and 90s. The lead singer, Michael Hutchence, was found dead of apparent suicide (by hanging) in his hotel room in '97. However many rumors circulated that his death was actually an accident while attempting autoerotic asphyxiation.
  
  
• The Smurfs are also mentioned, but I don't think there's a person on the planet who doesn't know who or what the Smurfs are... though apparently their biological classification remains up in the air.
  
  
• I can't believe I didn't make note of this because it's one of my favorite games from the past five years, so I'll let the thorough Vivas Kaul do all the work for me:
  

  The game that Peter White is playing in the trailer when Dr. Venture calls is Grand Theft Auto 3 for the Playstation 2 [ed: it's also out for XBox and PC]. This episode came out about three years after GTA3 was released. He also says that if he presses pause you can see his stats. This is in reference to the stats list that is available on the pause menu of GTA3.
  
  At the time of the phone call he is also doing 'a drive-by mission for the Yardies'. The Yardies are a gang of Jamaican rastafarian drug dealers/hooligans that do provide a couple of missions for you in GTA3. The mission that White is refering to is called "Uzi Rider"; a mission in which the leader of the Yardies asks you to kill ten Diablo gang members in a drive-by style fashion [ed: The Diablos were a Mexican gang, and rivals of the Yardies]. Incidentally the name "Uzi Rider" comes from the name of the Redford and Newman movie Easy Rider which you have already said was a reference to the motorcycle scene in the season finale of VB.

  Muchas gracias, Vivas! Though I should note that Easy Rider is not a Redford & Newman movie, but a Hopper & Fonda movie. You can thank Robert Burcham for pointing that out, even though he said Nicholson instead of Hopper in his e-mail, but I knew what he meant! Me and Rob are on the same wavelength.