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Tag Sale -- You're It!

  • Original Air Date:
    October 9, 2004
  • Written by:
    Doc Hammer
  • Production Number:
    106
  • ...and of course SOUL-BOT as H.E.L.P.eR.
  • Rate This Episode:

    • Worst. Episode. Ever.
    • It Was Pretty Crappy
    • An Okay Episode
    • Pretty Good Episode
    • Great Episode!
    • Amazing Episode!!
Jump To: Summary | Capsule | Notes
All-time score of 4.2 with 452 votes

Summary

Always short on cash, Dr. Venture decides to unload some of his father's old scientific equipment in a huge yard sale that attracts fellow scientists and super-villans alike. Everyone is supposed to be on their best behaviour, but The Monarch can't resist the tempation to wreak havoc once he finds himself inside the "belly of the beast"... nor can he find a bathroom.

Capsule

We start off outside in a mountainous area. A large group of secret agents or FBI guys or something are lined up while their superior addresses them. Brock stands behind the head agent, Mister 1:

MISTER 1
Gentlemen, this is quite possibly the hottest situation most of you will be involved with. If any of you have any fears about death, any second thoughts about that beautiful new wife of yours screwing every guy you hate because you left her a widow, now is your chance to leave.
[one of the agents steps forward while all the others look at the ground]

MISTER 1
Take off those sunglasses.
[Mister 11, the one who stepped forward, does so and drops them on the ground]

MISTER 1
Get out of here. [Mister 11 walks away in shame] Anyone else? Mister 5! See to it that Mister 11 never gets to that gate alive.

Five runs off and we hear a silenced gunshot and a scream as Mister 1 steps on Mister 11's sunglasses.

MISTER 1
This is Agent Samson, you will refer to him only as 'team leader'. His whim is your command. If he tells you to put on a dress and dance, I'd better see those money-makers shakin'. Am I understood?

AGENTS
Yes sir!

BROCK
These grounds have been split up into ten separate zones. Each zone will be defended by two agents. In the event of an agent's termination the neighboring zone will absorb the weaker one.

MISTER 7
[whispering] I don't like the sound of an "agent's termination".

MISTER 12
[quietly] I just hope he doesn't ask us to put on a dress and dance.

MISTER 1
Mister 12! Is there something you would like to share with the rest of us, or is this a tea party with Mister 7?!

MISTER 12
It is a tea party, sir!

MISTER 1
Would you two little ladies like to put on an attractive sundress or perhaps a tube top for this party?!

MISTER 12
No sir!

MISTER 1
Team leader, would you like to see them in pretty pink dresses?

BROCK
No, I don't want to see them in a dress.

MISTER 1
Very well. You boys have team leader to thank. If we had it my way the whole lot of you would be in skirts. Now knock it off and listen up! [he steps back and talks to Brock] It's their nerves. These are good men.

BROCK
Your sidearms are to be your last line of defense. Civilian casualties will not be tolerated. Now let's all cross out fingers, and we just might see another sunrise.

MISTER 1
Alright, gentlemen! Go ahead!

The camera pans over to reveal that they've been in front of the Venture Compound the whole time. Hank and Dean are standing to the side, smiling. Dean salutes and Hank jams a sign into the ground that reads:

YARDSALE
Today onLy!
ample parking
in rear.

Roll opening credits.

The Monarchmobile drives along the road while two henchmen in the back argue about who would win in a fight between Anne Frank and Lizzie Borden. Really. The Monarch yells at them and laments bringing the henchmen along for the trip to Dr. Venture's tag sale. Dr. Girlfriend says that she doesn't want to make a big thing of it and doesn't want to upset the henchmen.

Back in the compound Hank is rummaging through some of the merchandise. He finds a princess doll that once belonged to Dean. Dean insists it's an action figure, and that it's not his dad's to sell. However he quickly changes his mind after some weird looks from one of the agents, who are guarding the entire tag sale. Dean finds one of those cheap plastic microphones that plays a lame beat while Hank attempts to figure out how to get a slice of the 'fat money cake'.

Dr. Venture, meanwhile, is enjoying a lemonade under an umbrella with the cash box on his lap. He reassures Brock that everything will be fine. I mean, the box has a lock on it!

BROCK
You have some dangerous machinery for sale here, I think you're beggin' for trouble on this one.

DR. VENTURE
I thought you handled all that. And I don't hear any ideas from you on how to get some quick cash. Come on! Most of this stuff is old crap my dad left behind.

BROCK
Doc! You have a table over there with a sign that says 'laser death-ray bargain bin'!!

DR. VENTURE
Well that's why you have your little ska band there to keep the oddballs in costumes from raising cane.

At the entrance to the sale a long lines of people has formed, including Doc Impossible, Baron Underbheit and of course the Monarch and Dr. Girlfriend:

THE MONARCH
Everyone is here.

DR. GIRLFRIEND
It's quite a turnout.

THE MONARCH
Look over there. It's the bearded spectre. Oh my god, look what he's got on!

DR. GIRLFRIEND
Are those giant shorts or tiny pants?

THE MONARCH
Who still wears those?!

DR. GIRLFRIEND
Sweetie, isn't that the guy from Depeche Mode?

THE MONARCH
Oh, no way, where?! Holy crap, he's with a girl.

DR. GIRLFRIEND
Oh yeah, that guy is totally straight. I saw a whole thing about him on the VH1.

THE MONARCH
But he's the guy from Depeche Mode. That's impossible!

DR. GIRLFRIEND
Straight.

THE MONARCH
Come on, he's in Depeche Mode!

Off to the side are Mr. White and Master Billy Quizboy. White notices Dr. Girlfriend and notes to Billy that they need an arch-enemy like her. Billy tells White who she is and that she's with the Monarch. White mentions that there are rumors that she's sort of manly, and Billy relays a rumor that Dr. Girlfriend has a surgically implanted baboon's uterus. Yes, they can do that.

At the main gate Baron Underbheit attempts to enter the compound. Unfortunately he has to go through a metal detector which is set off by his metal jaw (and probably the various other metal things he wears). He removes his jaw to put into the tray, with rather disgusting results:

Baron Von Underbheit

The Monarch and Dr. Girlfriend discuss how gross the above picture is as the Monarch slips one of his wrist thingies (those yellow dealies that shoot darts) into the coat pocket of an agent who is passing by.

Back at Dr. Venture's station, Dr. Orpheus confronts Dr. Venture with a weed-wacker. Apparently Dr. Venture borrowed it from Dr. O, but Dr. V never gave it back. Dr. Venture tells Orpheus to take the wacker back.

DR. ORPHEUS
Do you need a hand here? I'm a people person. I could assist you vending your sundries. Why, I would make a whiz-bang salesman!

DR. VENTURE
Fine, you deal with the creepy guys dressed like special creepy guys. And none of that 'step right up' crap.

DR. ORPHEUS
Kay.

The Monarch, meanwhile, gives the henchmen some money and a shopping list. The henchmen assure the Monarch that they won't mess it up (which means they will) and are off on their way once henchman 21 zips up his barn door. Dr. Girlfriend comments that the Monarch is in good spirits, and the Monarch notes that he hasn't been this relaxed since... whenever.

Hank and Dean, meanwhile, have set up a lemonade and grinder stand, aptly named 'Hankco's Lemonade and Grinder World'. Their uniforms consist of newspaper folded into hats and Hank has on a red and yellow apron.

HANK
Employee Dean, isn't that your make-believe girlfriend?

DEAN
[pulling off his hat] Oh crap, where?!

HANK
The hat stays on! You are representing Hankco, son! Show some pride!

DEAN
Knock it off!

HANK
Alright. Union says you get a ten minute break, and I can't risk another strike.

[DEAN jumps over the stand, which is really just a large crate, and heads over to TRIANA]

HANK
HELPeR!

HELPeR
[beeps]

HANK
You're on counter. Look alive!
HELPeR: [beeps and salutes]

HANK
[puts his arm around HELPeR] There he goes. Looks like our little Dean is growing up.
[Offscreen a crash is heard, followed by Dean's voice]

DEAN
[OS] I'm okay! My- shoelace was untied...

HANK
I'm not afraid to say it, HELPeR. [takes a breath] I'm proud of him.

HELPeR
[beeps and tilts his head]

Meanwhile Billy and Pete White are propositioning Dr. Girlfriend to be their arch-enemy. Dr. Girlfriend says she's flattered, but she's with the Monarch who is arching Dr. Venture. Billy says that Dr. Venture peaked too early and White mentions how Billy is a severe hydrocephalic. Billy also notes that Pete is an albino and can be killed with light. Dr. Girlfriend could call herself the Deadly Flame. Or Hot Pants.

Dean finally finds Triana, though he's totally out of breath. He attempts to make conversation with Triana, though he's not very good at it, but Triana shows him her underwear anyway. Okay, actually she shows him some big grandma 'thunderpants' she is going to buy (for some reason), but Dean is still pretty messed up from his short run across the front yard. Triana suggests getting some lemonade, but Dean isn't in a very lemonadey place.

Meanwhile, Dr. Orpheus is taking payment from two SCUBA divers (you can tell they're SCUBA divers because they're dressed in full SCUBA gear) for a harpoon gun and a Rock-Em Sock-Em Robots game. He hands them their change and starts to make the merchandise float into the bag when Dr. Venture tells him to stop showing off. After the SCUBA guys leave Dr. O comments on how lucky Dr. Venture is for having a costumed nemesis. Dr. Venture says it's not really all that glamorous; in fact it's actually a pretty big pain in the ass. Insurance doesn't cover arch-enemies you know.

While some of the patrons browse the tag sale, Brock and two agents walk. Brock comments that everything has gone smoothly thus far, but something bad could still go down. Just then the Monarch runs into him and falls down:

THE MONARCH
My contacts! You knocked out my contact lenses!

BROCK
[stares at THE MONARCH for a second, then walks away] I want security to move on all possible civilian targets, Mister 20 will join you at the first sign- [trails off]

THE MONARCH
Well?

DR. GIRLFRIEND
No way.

THE MONARCH
Come on, I did it! You have to pay up!

DR. GIRLFRIEND
I said 'and he helps you look for them'.

THE MONARCH
You so owe me five bucks! Hey! Let's move the monarchmobile to the other side of the lot. It will totally screw with the henchmen's heads!

DR. GIRLFRIEND
I have never seen this side of you.

Just then the Monarch's stomach makes a rather unpleasant sound and he notes he has to 'make a deposit at the bank'. Danged hoagies. Just then Dr. O walks up to the Monarch and slaps him, and then sets his shoes on fire.

THE MONARCH
You dick!

DR. ORPHEUS
Dr. Orpheus did this! To exact proper retribution, you can find me at this address! [he hands THE MONARCH his card] Nights only. [he exits]

THE MONARCH
What! What did I do?!

[THE INTANGIBLE FANCY, a translucent being made of smoke or something appears behind the Monarch]

THE INTANGIBLE FANCY
When the sun sleeps, [he dissipates and appears behind the Monarch's other shoulder] the wolves begin to howl.

THE MONARCH
So?

[THE INTANGIBLE FANCY dissipates once again]

THE MONARCH
What the hell is going on here!? Did somebody put a sign on my back or something?

Commercial.

Billy and Pete have made their selections and are purchasing a Seven and the Ragged Tiger t-shirt, a shrink ray and a Santa windsock.

DR. VENTURE
[picking up the shrink ray] This runs on two double 'A' batteries and super-heated phosphates. [he hands the gun to Billy]

BILLY
[shaking the ray, which makes a rattling noise] What is that, a TicTac in there? And you have a picture of a shrink ray gun on the shrink ray gun. That is totally retarded.

MR. WHITE
If you had like a silhouette of a giant guy next to a small guy, you know, with, uh, ray gun circles comin' out.

DR. VENTURE
If you don't like the logo, it's a decal. You can scrape it off. Now do you want it, or are you just gonna skip on over to the Shrink Ray Hut and pick up a cheaper one?

BILLY
Your sarcasm, although a laugh riot, is not making this choice any easier.

MR. WHITE
If you're not gonna get it, I will. I'll let you borrow it.

BILLY
No way, you are a total Indian giver! Come on, just loan me like fifty grand.

DR. VENTURE
Alright you two, you snooze you lose! Nobody gets the shrink ray now!

BILLY
Nice.

Outside one of those wonderful and oft-sanitary (not) portable toilets, Dr. Girlfriend waits while the Monarch give a play by play. Just then the Phantom Limb, a villain with, uh, invisible limbs, says hi to Dr. Girlfriend. Phantom Limb tells Dr. Girlfriend he heard from a little bird (Tiny Eagle) that she 'let the butterfly free'. She tells him it's not true and that she couldn't be happier with the Monarch. Phantom Limb says that everyone knows that Dr. Girlfriend would do better on her own as a villain, but Dr. Girlfriend continues to say she likes things how they are. Finally Phantom Limb offers to number two for Dr. Girlfriend, but she pushes him away just as the Monarch comes out of the toilet.

They have a brief conversation, but the Monarch was not able to produce. He needs (dramatic music goes here) a real toilet!

Meanwhile at Hankco, Dean has just sold some sort of fish guy a piece of the grinder. Hank yells at Dean because he failed to sell a glass of lemonade, which is pure profit, along with the grinder slice. You see, the hoagie only exists so people will spend $2 on a nickel's worth of sugar water. Capitalism! Hank, frustrated by all this, goes in the back to count receipts. Yes, the back.

The entrance to the Venture house is guarded closely by two agents, so the Monarch needs a diversion in order to get them to leave so he can use the porcelain throne. He finds a conveniently placed and very round pebble on the ground and fires it (with his yellow wrist dealie) at Baron Underbheit. The Baron turns to find the culprit, and decides to blame an overweight scientist thumbing through girlie magazines. Underbheit kicks the scientist which sets off a chain reaction of villains attacking other villains.

Brock assesses the situation and calls in the agents to help. The two agents guarding the door leave their post to help and the Monarch and Dr. Girlfriend sneak in. Meanwhile, fights are breaking out all over the place, with one scientist even being melted into a blob of green goo.

Meanwhile, in an oddly calm part of the lawn (I guess the tag sale is pretty big because there is no sign of ruckus by Dr. Venture), the Monarch's henchmen purchase an authentic light saber. The thinner henchman says that the boss is going to kill them for spending the money on the saber, but the fat one refuses to relent, saying it's been a dream of his to own one since he was three. Just then Dr. Orpheus runs up to tell Dr. Venture of the happenings. Orpheus suggests fighting together, but Dr. Venture instead opts to go inside and Orpheus runs off to help Brock and the agents.

In Dr. Venture's bedroom the Monarch finishes his duty (hee hee) and he and Dr. Girlfriend talk for a second. The Monarch suggests doing it on Dr. Venture's bed, but neither of them is really in the mood for that, so Dr. Girlfriend suggests they find his lab and break something... or something.

Outside the ruckus continues as Hank nails some boards to the Hankco stand. Dean yells at Hank, saying they're going to get killed, and then runs off with a yelp when something zips by him and burns his hat. Triana and HELPeR soon follow while Hank yells about rebuilding Hankco when the riots are over. Well, until he gets hit in the face with a high heel shoe.

Dr. Orpheus, meanwhile, zaps at all the enemies he can with some neat blue energy bolts, telling each person he zaps his name and saying he's free to take any of them on, if they would like to exact revenge upon him.

Back inside the compound, Dr. Venture sits on the couch counting his money. Hank registers his disgust with Dean for not helping Triana and instead taking the high road of running away in tears. Dr. Venture notes that she'll be fine since her father wouldn't let anything happen to her. Just then Hank notices the door to the lab is open.

Out in the yard Brock is beating the crap out of a guy with a plug for a face when he is confronted by the Monarch henchmen. The fat one draws his new light saber and does some awkward moves with it and stabs at Brock with it. However, instead of cutting Brock to bits, the saber has no effect. The henchmen cries out about being ripped off and runs away with the other one. Brock gets a call on his watch from Dr. Venture and heads over to the lab with a team of agents to check out the situation in the lab.

In the lab, the Monarch has a look around:

THE MONARCH
My god, look at this place! It's like a museum of failure.

DR. GIRLFRIEND
It's almost depressing.

THE MONARCH
Here I am, in the belly of the beast, and I don't even care. I don't even feel like taking a whiz on this. [he motions to some equipment] I used to dreeeam of taking a whiz on this!

DR. GIRLFRIEND
So I guess we're uh, not gonna-

THE MONARCH
What can I do to this guy that life hasn't already. I almost feel sorry for him.

DR. GIRLFRIEND
A lot has changed. I was meaning to talk to you about things and us-
[The Monarch spins around and aims his wrist shooter thing at Dr. Girlfriend]

THE MONARCH
Oh no you don't!

DR. GIRLFRIEND
Take it easy!

THE MONARCH
Get down, honey bunch! [he pushes Dr. Girlfriend out of the way] No one gets the drop on the Monarch!!
[he fires some darts at four agents waiting in the doorway of the lab, hitting and knocking out each one]

THE MONARCH
With every fiber of my being I stabbeth thee!! As long as blood flows through this heart I will hunt you down!! I will be the stuff of your children's nightmares!!

Outside the lab, Dr. Venture continues to count his money as they boys watch the Monarch through a slightly ajar door to the lab:

DR. VENTURE
What's he doing now?

DEAN
He's making his dramatic exit.

DR. VENTURE
[sighs] This could take all night, I'm gonna get Brock.

HANK
I think he's almost done.

THE MONARCH
And then, when nothing can be heard but your cries of agony, I will pull the chain and let the beast devour you!! Mark my words! [he grabs Dr. Girlfriend] I will have my revenge!! DOCTOR VENTURE!!!

[he fires a Batman-like grappling rope out of his wrist thingy which he fires into the air with he and DR. GIRLFRIEND following]

Roll end credits.

Now night, the Venture crew are clearing various bodies off the lawn, including a crapload of Monarch henchmen for some reason. In the lab an agent cleans up a pool of blood and then leaves. The camera pans up to reveal the Monarch and a rather annoyed looking Dr. Girlfriend in his arm hanging from the ceiling.

THE MONARCH
Alright they're finishing up. Let's go home.

Notes

  • This show was produced sixth, but was shown 10th, so it actually contains a lot of firsts that don't seem like first because it was shown out of order. For instance it's the first time Billy and Dr. White were put into a story since the pilot (and given names for that matter), and ditto goes for Professor Impossible who was shown in this episode but never says anything. Likewise on the bad guy side for Baron Underbheit and the Phantom Limb, both whom make appearances in other episodes.

  • After the opening credits the Monarch henchmen are arguing about who would win in a fight between Lizzie Borden and Anne Frank. This is rather funny since one would never think of Anne Frank as any sort of fighter, but you can learn some about Lizzie if you'd like and Anne Frank is most famous for her diary which she wrote during World War II while hiding from Nazi internment in Amsterdam.

  • From Jackson's LJ and for you Depeche Mode fans:

    I should also mention the Astrobase loves Depeche Mode. They've been part of the revolving iPod soundtrack of this stuffy little facility for so long, it was inevitable they get a nod in an episode at some point.

    Also Doc Hammer insists that Black Celebration is better than Violator, but I refuse believe him.

  • Billy and Mr. White (I assume it was for Mr. White) buy a Seven and the Ragged Tiger t-shirt. That's the last album released by Duran Duran in the 80s... and the 90s for that matter, or at least with their original lineup.

  • Two of the characters at the tag sale actually have names. The Mao Tse-tung/Kim Jong-il guy (try not to get mad at me for grouping a Chinese and a Korean dictator together like that) is actually named 'Chairman Wow' and was designed some time ago, though he never seemed to need his own story (maybe next year). Second, the guy with the metal arm who first punches out plug face, is 'Rick Danger'. Rick Danger is actually designed after and by Rick Lacy, the character designer for VB. Personally I hope we see more of the plug-faced guy.

  • To those of you who have experience with internet fads, the fat Monarch henchman who purchases a light saber from Dr. Venture does a weird move before he attempts to fight Brock. This is a reference or homage to the Star Wars kid. That link will tell you everything you need to know if you missed that whole craze, plus downloads of the original video and variants.

  • The Monarch's speech at the end is quite awesome. It's so excessively dramatic, coupled with his 'exit', that it just came out so perfectly. Just thought I'd comment on that. As for references, 'stabbeth thee' (which is actually more commonly written as 'stab at thee') is something of a dual reference. It comes from Moby Dick originally, but was also made fairly popular in Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan. The rest of the stuff in his speech may or may not be in reference to something, but the stab at line was the one that stood out to me at least.

  • More Monarch quotes; midway through the episode the Monarch says (I didn't quote this in the capsule): "It was all sound and fury, signifying nothing." when he attempts to, uh, drop the kids off at the portapotty. This is a reference to the Shakespeare play MacBeth in which MacBeth laments: "...it is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing." Thanks out to Matt Skinner for pointing that out to me.

Episode Cast

James Urbaniak Dr. Venture
The Phantom Limb
Mister 12
Green Goo Scientist
Girly Mag Scientist
Michael Sinterniklaas Dean Venture
Mister 16
Patrick Warburton Brock Samson
Chris McCulloch Hank Venture
The Monarch
Henchman 2
Mr. White
The Intangible Fancy
Mister 7
Doc Hammer Dr. Girlfriend
Master Billy Quizboy
Monarch Henchman 1
Stephen Ratazzi Dr. Orpheus
T. Ryder Smith Baron Underbheit
Charles Parnell Mister 1
Lisa Hammer Triana Orpheus
Soul-Bot HELPeR

Screencaps

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