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Guess Who's Coming to State Dinner?

  • Original Air Date:
    September 9, 2006
  • Written by:
    Jackson Publick
  • Original Story:
    Story by Jackson Publick & Ben Edlund
  • Production Number:
    21
  • Rate This Episode:

    • Worst. Episode. Ever.
    • It Was Pretty Crappy
    • An Okay Episode
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Jump To: Summary | Capsule | Notes
All-time score of 2.8 with 489 votes

Summary

When the Gargantua-1 Space Station breaks orbit and crashes into a wanted terrorist, Colonel Bud Manstrong becomes a national hero. But an insidious plot to assassinate the Presdent might be the real truth behind the supposed crash. The mysterious blinking band aid on Bud's head might be the key to a mystery only the ghost of Abraham Lincoln and Team Venture can solve.

Capsule

High above the Earth, space station Gargantua 1 comes crashing down. Colonel Bud Manstrong desperately tries to radio Houston to inform them that everything is failing, but he gets no response. Anna gets up and tell him there is one thing they could try...

Crash!

Newspaper headlines. Disaster... Averted! What? Another headline, Manstrong is the only survivor. The space station crashed right on top of a 'den of terror'! Russia mourns Anna in a closed casket funeral. Hmm. What's next for Manstrong? Politica? Bat boy? Wait what kind of newspaper is that? Okay, man of the year on Tempo magazine. Go Bud!

Bud gets a medal of honor from the president on the steps of the White House. Dr. Venture and Brock are there. Dr. Venture claims it should be him since it was his space station that killed the terrorists. Hank, meanwhile, is taking pictures of the White House when a secret service agent swipes the camera out of his hand, pulls out the film, breaks it and then knocks Hank to the ground and puts a gun to his neck. Brock steps in and throws the agent into a bush. Join the bush club! The agent, Hauser, and Brock exchange, uh, pleasantries (sort of). Hauser tells Brock to watch his back because he has his eyes on him. Both of them.

DR. VENTURE
Uhh, friend of yours?

BROCK
We were in 'Nam together.

DR. VENTURE
Oh. Wait, you were like ten during Vietnam.

BROCK
Well I didn't say during the war.

Roll opening credits.

At the White House Manstrong is telling the story of the Gargantua 1 crash to a table with Brock, the boys, Dr. Venture, the president, Bud's mother and various important people from around the world. Mrs. Manstrong comments to Brock that she hates these sorts of gatherings. Bud tells the rest of his story to the president, who comments that it's a shame Bud doesn't remember more. A blurry flashback of Bud on the operating room table is shown, with two doctors mentioning a chip of some kind. What?

MRS. MANSTRONG
Hey, who's your friend over here?

BUD
That's Brock Samson, but he is no friend of mine.

MRS. MANSTRONG
Too bad.

BUD
Remember when I called to tell you I'd been accosted on Gargantua 1?

MRS. MANSTRONG
Of course I do, ohh the tears! The sniffling!

BUD
[grunts] Yes, well, he's the fellow who did it.

MRS. MANSTRONG
Him? So why'd you beat my little boy up and steal his girlfriend, blondie?

[BROCK attempts to ignore her]

BUD
Mooother.

MRS. MANSTRONG
Ya don't say too much, do ya? Well that's okay. I like the strong and silent type!

PRESIDENT BREYER
Ladies and gentlemen, a toast. To colonel Bud Manstrong. A man of bravery, integrity and indomitable spirit of-

MRS. MANSTRONG
Oh quit blowing smoke up the boy's ass, Breyer! We all know the real reason Bud's here. Your administration's in the crapper and you need Mrs. Manstrong's little boyscout on the team to polish that turd.

PRESIDENT BREYER
I- uhhh. Heh. To Bud!

[BROCK goes to sit down but MRS. MANSTRONG has put her hand on his chair]

MRS. MANSTRONG
Whoopsie!

BUD
Mother, you can't talk to the president like that!

MRS. MANSTRONG
Well I didn't vote for him! Listen, you just keep smiling and let your mother deal with the politics. [to Brock] He's embarrassed by his mother. I breast fed this one until he lost his baby teeth and he's embarrassed by me.

BUD
Ohh, mother!

MRS. MANSTRONG
Prudish. Takes after his father, the late senator, god rest his soul. [whispering] Man couldn't find a g-spot without a senate subcommittee.

BUD
Mother!!

DR. VENTURE
Say Bud! Or is it Budley? Budward? What's Bud short for?

BUD
Nothing, it's just Bud.

DR. VENTURE
Yeah? Huh. Uh, seeing as how you're all tight with the big guy, uh, because you broke my space station, I was wondering if maybe you might put in a good word for-

MRS. MANSTRONG
Why don't you stop bothering my son you awful little nobody!?

[MRS. MANSTRONG puts her hand on BROCK's knee]

MRS. MANSTRONG
Vultures, Buddy! Everyone's gonna want a piece of you now, but you don't give 'em a thing! Are you listening to me?

BUD
Yes mother.

MRS. MANSTRONG
Colonel Bud Manstrong, listen to your mother.

[BUD freezes and looks a little doped up all of a sudden]

BUD
Yes, mother.

At this point the ghost of Abe Lincoln pokes out of a portrait of him and spies bandage on the back of Bud's neck. There's something flashing inside of it. Dean is the only one who sees this and he is about to tell Hank when Brock spits wine all over them and yells. Mrs. Manstrong's wandering hand is back. Some secret service agents point their guns at Brock after this outburst. President Breyer says that maybe they should call it a night. They all clap for Bud one last time before leaving. The president tells Bud to join him in the Oval Office.

In the Oval Office Bud apologizes for his mother's outburst, but Breyer only tells Bud that his mother is right, and he needs a 'squeaky clean' running mate to have any chance of being re-elected. He offers Bud a cigar. Not that one though.

The president then offers Bud the job of vice president, saying that the bureau can't find anything bad on him, plus he's a hero and also a bit of eye-candy for the ladies. Speaking of which... the president opens his office door:

PRESIDENT BREYER
Take your pick!

BUD
I'm not sure I follow you, sir...

PRESIDENT BREYER
Any of my secretarial staff except the one in the blue dress who smells like this:

[BREYER holds his finger under BUD's nose]

BUD
Oh dear lord!!

PRESIDENT BREYER
[laughing] That filly's got my name written all over her! Literally! I one wrote my name on the front of her dress with the tip of my-

BUD
Oh, no! [he covers his ears] I'm not hearing this! I'm not hearing this!! Good evening sir!!

[BUD storms out in anger]

PRESIDENT BREYER
[into his intercom] Uh, Cass? I'll take that blowjob now.

In the Lincoln bedroom the White House maid takes Hank and Dean's wine-stained suits for cleaning. Little club soda will fix their problems. Dean comments (as he picks up a penny that fell out of his suit pocket) that it probably can't fix his problem. A little club soda will fix just about anything though.

Dean tells Hank that he saw a ghost and that the White House is haunted. Dean comments that it's weird, like they're being watched. Hank points out the secret service agent guarding their room. Duh.

Outside the Oval Office Bud is telling his mother about the recent events. He sputters for a while until she asks him if he was offered vice president. Bud (with more sputtering) tells her it was offered, but he refused it. His mother tells him that he should have accepted it. They argue a bit before she sternly says "Colonel Bud Manstrong, listen to your mother." again. Bud looks doped out again and they head back into the Oval Office. Also, this entire time a penny has floated out of Mrs. Manstrong's purse and is apparently watching them. What?

Nearby Dr. Venture is trying to convince Brock to get him into the Oval Office so he can pitch his latest invention to the president:

DR. VENTURE
Oh come on, Brock, just buy me five minutes! I've been practicing my pitch all week.

BROCK
God, you just have no clue, do you? There aren't a bunch of fake pirates or a dicks in rubber butterfly suits, Doc. We're talking about the United States Secret Service.

DR. VENTURE
Please. We'll both be off the hook when he feasts his eyes on what I've got to offer. This thing sells itself! If it doesn't I can't afford to pay you this month.

BROCK
You don't pay me.

DR. VENTURE
Why do you keep looking around? You're really afraid of that Hauser guy, aren't you?

BROCK
No, Manstrong's mom. She's got a few drinks in her and she tried to... free Nelson Mandella under the table.

DR. VENTURE
[cringes] Say! Okay, plan B. You throw the old broad a mercy lay and in exchange she sweet talks the president for me.

[HAUSER walks over to them, clapping slowly]

HAUSER
Nice scene you made at dinner, Samson. Don't ever embarrass the president like that again. I don't think the agency could possibly demote you any lower than they already have. But I hear there's an opening in the mail room. Helsinki branch. [laughs]

[HAUSER's cell phone rings]

HAUSER
I gotta take- I got a call, I gotta take this. [he moves away]

BROCK
You know what, Doc? You're on.

DR. VENTURE
Really? Plan A or plan B?

Back in the Lincoln Bedroom, Dean is scared out of his mind. He looks at a Lincoln Monument statue for a second, then closes his eyes, only to reopen them and see Lincoln out of his chair. What? He hides under the covers and then peers out again. No more Lincoln. He slowly crawls over to the edge of the bed to inspect the statue. It's normal. He falls back onto his pillow, relieved, when a spooky voice speaks to him.

LINCOLN'S GHOST
Venture brothers, you must help me!! Colonel Manstrong is going to assassinate the president!!

DEAN
Hank! Wake up!! It's the ghost of Abraham Lincoln!!

HANK
[opening his eyes] Who?

Commercial.

In the Oval Office Manstrong, his mother and Breyer all converse. Mrs. Manstrong tells the president that Bud was having issues before. But walks over to the president calmly and is about to say something when a loud crash interrupts them. Cass springs up from under the desk.

Dr. Venture bolts into the room as Brock holds off some secret service agents. He quickly goes into his pitch. President Breyer attempts to get security into the office when Brock busts in, informing Dr. V he's got about one minute. Dr. Venture pulls out a gadget; the Venture Dome. A portable force field. Hauser runs in the door and bowls down Dr. Venture as he turns the device on.

In the Lincoln Bedroom, Lincoln attempts to explain the situation to Hank and Dean:

LINCOLN
Microchip, microchip! It's in the back of his head. His mother is using it to control him and she's going to make him assassinate the president!

DEAN
Ahhhh, it just sounds a little... far fetched.

HANK
Ahh, yeah, thank you. I'm glad you said it.

LINCOLN
Wha- didn't either of you see The Manchurian Candidate? Not even the remake with Denzel, come on I've been dead for seven score years and even-

HANK
Who is this guy?

LINCOLN
Abraham Lincoln!! Sixteenth president of the United States. Come on, you're kidding me!

DEAN
Yeah, didn't you learn anything in bed?

LINCOLN
Alright, alright, how about this? I'm the five dollar bill guy?

HANK
You invented the five dollar bill?

LINCOLN
Yes, Hank. Yes I did. Dean, you seem to have a little more on the ball here, help me stop Manstrong.

DEAN
Why do you need us?

LINCOLN
Because I'm immaterial. I mean look at this! [he passes his hand through the boys] It's a no go. I need to possess one of your bodies. Just for a little while. Until I can stop him. Will one of you do that for me? For the Union?

HANK & DEAN
Not it!!

HANK
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, jinx you owe me a Coke!

DEAN
Awwww.

Back in the Oval Office Hauser has Dr. Venture pinned to the ground. He picks him up and tells two agents standing outside the office to lock him up. Except they can't hear him because they're on the other side of the force field. It's sound proof. Hauser tells him to unplug it, except it's battery powered. Nuclear batteries. So don't shoot it either. Oh and it also blocks radio and phone signals. So yeah. However the batteries will die in around 5.24 years. Half-life of cobalt. Hauser sticks some Post-It notes on the force field telling his men that they're trapped and they need to get the army. And a scientist.

At Spider-Skull Island, JJ gets the call to help out at the White House. He says goodbye to Sally and Ned (who hugs him entirely too tight) and heads off with the pirate captain. The whole crew is together apparently.

Meanwhile in the Lincoln Bedroom Dean slowly walks over to Hank and is about to... kiss him? Hank slaps him and Lincoln topples out of Dean:

HANK
Ew!! Dude, what the dilly?!

DEAN
Did it work? What happened?

HANK
Honest Abe's a 'mo, that's what happened.

LINCOLN
Sorry, sorry! I don't know what came over me. I was just a bit overwhelmed. I mean, I have a body again. All those hormones! Phew, it was- alright let me just try this again. I'm ready for it this time.

[LINCOLN walks over to DEAN and is about to possess him again]

LINCOLN
Who's Triana, by the way?

DEAN
Ahh! Just get in!

HANK
And no funny business!

LINCOLN
Yes already! Like you boys never experimented.

HANK
[gasps] Dean!!

In the Oval Office, Hauser is laying down a masking tape perimeter around the president's desk. Nobody can cross the line. Oh, and don't smoke, Brock. Meanwhile, JJ shows up, much to Dr. Venture's disdain. Outside the force field General Manhowers and JJ discuss how to take down the force field as Dean runs towards them. He slams right into the force field, which Lincoln goes through, but Dean remains on the other side. Lincoln, however, does take the penny in Dean's pocket through with him. Nobody on the other side of the force field appears to see Lincoln.

JONAS JR.
What are you trying to do there, Dean?

HANK
We're helping our new ghost pal!

MANHOWERS
Heh, ain't that something! I wish my boy had that kind of creativity.

DEAN
Colonel Manstrong's going to assassinate the president!

HANK
It's not really his fault though. His mom's controlling him.

MANHOWERS
Don't give me that psycho-babble, son! After a certain age a man needs to take responsibility for his own actions.

DEAN
Um, okay.

MANHOWERS
Sure, maybe if I hugged my thick-headed son more he wouldn't have started them fires or stolen all that lacrosse equipment, but damnit, sometimes they're just bad apples!

Back in the Lincoln bedroom, Lincoln contemplates the force field and knocks over the small statue of himself. Hank points that out and Lincoln explains that he can only move things in the material world that bear his image.

LINCOLN
Wait! That penny in your pocket, Dean. I was able to get that through the force field, that's it!

HANK
We build a gun made out of pennies!!

LINCOLN
Exactly! Wait, no that's insane. But I have another idea. Boys, I need five dollar bills. Scores of them! Ten score at least!

DEAN
How are we gonna find that many?

HANK
How, how! What are you, an owl? He can make it with his magic!

LINCOLN
For the last time, Hank, I'm a ghost, not a genie. You two must find a way!

[HANK and DEAN get up to leave]

HANK
Wait, does it matter if it's the new fives or the old ones?

LINCOLN
I prefer the new ones? But whatever, go, go!

Following that there's a montage of Hank and Dean collecting five dollar bills from everyone in the area. Army guys, secret service agents, JJ, and Hank even takes five singles, though he pockets that for himself.

Back in the Oval Office, Cass finds a bottle of booze in the president's desk and it gets passed around. Brock breaks the perimeter to grab the bottle, Hauser protests of course, but nothing happens. Brock offers the bottle to Manstrong, whose mother is now passed out.

BUD
Mother's had a bit too much already.

BROCK
How about you?

BUD
I don't drink.

[BROCK sighs and sits down next to BUD]

BROCK
I'm sorry.

BUD
Hrmph, for what?

BROCK
Lt. Baldavich. I didn't know she was... your girlfriend. That wasn't cool.

BUD
Mr. Samson, Gargantua 1 wasn't orbiting metal Eden until you sullied it with your Brando-esque sensuality and, and your non-regulation apparel. Sorry doesn't quite make up for deflowering my Eve.

BROCK
Come on, enough with the boyscout act. You two were alone on that thing for years. Now don't tell me you never hit that.

BUD
What?! [he stands up] I never struck her!! How dare you even imply that I did!! I loved her!!

[BUD storms off, leaving MRS. MANSTRONG, who attempts to get up by only ends up passing out with her face in BROCK's lap instead]

BROCK
This ain't good.

Back in the Lincoln Bedroom Hank and Dean are covering Lincoln with the fivers as some amazed guards look on. Lincoln laments FDR, who he thinks was a great president, and then mentions that Breyer is probably the worst president he's ever seen. So why are they trying to save him? Lincoln is hoping to earn his wings on this one. Just then Lincoln's 'Lincoln sense' tingles and he stands up in alarm. Manstrong is making his move!

In the Oval Office Bud confronts Brock about his mother's, uh, position. Bud challenges Brock to a fight. However before anything can happen Lincoln, now entirely covered in fives, runs down the hall, through the force field and tackles Manstrong to the ground. He pushes Bud to the president's desk and shows him the microchip and explains the assassination plot. Hauser attempts to shield the president when Mrs. Manstrong grabs his gun and shoots Lincoln in the forehead. It hurts (apparently), but Lincoln seems to still be alive, or uh, whatever.

Bud falls over unconscious, the microchip sparking. Dr. Venture examines the chip, realizing that it's a Venture Industries chip. He hooks up his communicator to it. There's a surveillance video from Gargantua 1 on it. It reveals that as Gargantua 1 was going down Anna attempted to 'go down with a bang'. She kisses Bud's neck and grabs his, uh, area. After a few seconds Bud passes out and the video cuts out.

DR. VENTURE
I knew it! Told you this clown was no hero! He just blacked out in the middle of a hand job!

[MANSTRONG appears to be dreaming and he has his hand in his pants]

LINCOLN
Uh oh, someone's playing with his Lincoln Logs.

BUD
My god it's full of starrrrrss!!

[BUD conks out again]

LINCOLN
Penny for his thoughts.

Roll end credits.

DEAN
You're... still here. Shouldn't you have crossed over?

DR. VENTURE
Apparently stopping my bodyguard from beating up a repressed masturbator just isn't enough to get you into heaven these days. Go figure.

LINCOLN
You're one to judge. Rusty, I seem to remember a certain fast-handed little redhead sleeping in the Lincoln Bedroom score and a half years back.

DR. VENTURE
Alright.

LINCOLN
Not that you did much sleeping.

DR. VENTURE
Okay.

JONAS JR.
I never would have thought of that.

[the MAID is rubbing something on the force field, which is creating a hole in it]

MAID
I don't know why you people gotta complicate everything. I told y'all, little club soda will fix most anything.

Notes

  • The title of this episode is a play on the title of the movie Guess Who's Coming to Dinner. The movie is about a white family meeting their daughter's black fiance for the first time and how they deal with it, so the episode doesn't have much to do with the plot of the movie.

  • Tempo magazine is, of course, a play on Time magazine, in case you didn't pick that up.

  • This episode is of course the triumphant return of Bud Manstrong and (although briefly) Anna Baldavich, both of whom you may remember from Careers in Science. Sharky's Machine!

  • President Breyer is a fairly obvious parody of President George W. Bush. His administration wallowing in scandal is an obvious reference to the Bush administration and his speech ('nuke-ular') and the look of the character are similar to Bush. He's also got a bit of President Clinton in him, with a few secretary jokes, a cigar gag (when he tells Bud not to take a certain cigar) and of course Clinton's White House was not without its share of scandal either. Breyer is also voiced by none other than Master Shake himself, Dana Snyder.

    Probably not related, but Stephen Breyer is a member of the United States Supreme Court, though he's a liberal judge and really this probably has nothing to do with the fictional President Breyer.

  • Lincoln's ghost is actually said to haunt the White House, and is often 'spotted' by people staying in the Lincoln bedroom. So this is of course not entirely out of left field, though I don't think there's ever been a case of him asking visitors for help saving the current president.

  • Hank is telling the somewhat famous 'Johnny Deeper' dirty joke to some foreign guy. If you've never heard the joke before there are a ton of variations to it, but the main idea is that there's a kid named Johnny Deeper who ends up having sex with either a teacher or babysitter. At this point his parents come home and shout his name to announce that they're home, however Johnny takes it as an instruction rather than a greeting, and, well, you can probably figure out the rest. The punch line of the joke is usually "I can't go any deeper, I'm stuck!"

  • If, like Hank, you have no idea who Abraham Lincoln is, then you are probably confused by this episode. Briefly, he was the sixteenth president of the United States. He served during the American Civil War. In fact his election of president (which was entirely due to the north as he had no impact at all in the south) is what caused the southern states of secede from the union. He is also responsible for getting the Emancipation Proclamation passed in 1862, in order to weaken the rebellion (since it was largely controlled by rich slave owners).

    In April of 1864 he was assassinated by actor and Confederate spy John Wilkes Booth.

  • Hank's claim of "Honest Abe is a 'mo", is also not entirely out of nowhere. There is a lot of speculation that Lincoln may have been bisexual or fundamentally homosexual. A variety of evidence exists for both 'sides' of the debate however, so it will probably never be fully answered, but there you go.

  • 'Score', which Lincoln uses a lot in this episode, means twenty. So in his famous Gettysburgh Address when Lincoln states 'four score and seven years ago' which is just a fancy way of saying 87 years ago. 'Score and a half years ago' would presumably be 30 years ago, when young Rusty was around twelve years old.

  • Lincoln mentions The Manchurian Candidate (and the remake) when talking about Bud's chip. The plot of the movie has similarities to this episode where a man is given a medal of honor for saving his platoon in Korea after they are captured by Communist soldiers. However none of the platoon members can remember what happened. There's also a controlling mother and an assassination plot and all that stuff.

  • You may remember Sally getting friendly with JJ at the end of Twenty Years to Midnight. Well apparently they've taken it a step further as Sally and Ned are now with JJ on Spider-Skull Island. Those crazy kids.

  • Bud's final words in this episode, "My god, it's full of stars!" is a reference to the novel 2001: A Space Odyssey and film 2010. In the book the line was the last thing spoken by the main character, Dave Bowman, though it was never said in the 2001 film. It was, however, spoken by him in 2010.

Episode Cast

James Urbaniak Dr. Venture
Dr. Jonas Venture Jr.
Patrick Warburton Brock Samson
Chris McCulloch Hank Venture
Lincoln's Ghost
Pirate Captain
Ned
General Manhowers
Additional Voices
Michael Sinterniklaas Dean Venture
Terrence Fleming Col. Bud Manstrong
Joanna Adler Mrs. Manstrong
Dana Snyder President Breyer
Jarboe Maid
Brendon Small Agent Hauser
Mia Barron Sally Impossible
Nina Hellman Lt. Anna Baldavich
Cassie

Screencaps

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