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The Trial of the Monarch

  • Original Air Date:
    October 23, 2004
  • Written by:
    Doc Hammer
  • Production Number:
    113
  • Rate This Episode:

    • Worst. Episode. Ever.
    • It Was Pretty Crappy
    • An Okay Episode
    • Pretty Good Episode
    • Great Episode!
    • Amazing Episode!!
Jump To: Summary | Capsule | Notes
All-time score of 4.5 with 408 votes

Summary

The Monarch is on trial for the one crime he may not have committed, under mysterious circumstances stemming from his bitter breakup with Dr. Girlfriend. The boys and Dr. Orpheus are forced to testify, but only Brock is aware that something far more sinister is afoot.

Capsule

We start off in a scene in a cave or tomb of some kind. Hank, dressed as Indiana Jones, and Dean, dressed as Magnum PI, have found a treasure chest. Dean picks the lock with his nail clippers and they open the chest.

HANK
It's treasure! Brownish chunks of... pirate booty!

DEAN
Hank, that's an old piece of candy.

HANK
Booty.

DEAN
And there's a little guy in there made out of pipe cleaners...

HANK
Aw, cool, I get that!

DEAN
It's all macaroni and empty spools and puffy paint. Some yarn.

HANK
Felt scraps! Hey! Packages of googly eyes! I'm totally takin' these.

DEAN
Hey, this is interesting. [he holds up a stone tablet] It's in Sanskrit, and a dialect I'm not familiar with. I'm not sure I can read it.

HANK
Well, just try.

DEAN
It. We have to you likely the opening now of this chest. To all that protect mine rainy day craft box are cursed. When to not take away, uhhh, things or objects or something like that. The prepositions and stuff are all screwy.

While Dean is reading this, a large warrior statue behind them comes to life and draws its sword. It lumbers over to them, though the boys don't seem to hear its loud footsteps until it's right behind them.

HANK & DEAN
It's a cursed treasure!!

The statue takes a swing at the boys, who scream for Brock and jump out of the way. Elsewhere in the cave, Brock (dressed as Knight Rider), hears their cries and rushes off to help them. The statue, meanwhile, tells the boys they have looked into the secret craft box of something or another and they have to die for this.

DEAN
Give him back the googly eyes!!

HANK
You!!

DEAN
I didn't take them!!

STATUE
Now, your blood shall flow in his name!

Just then a large boulder flies by and hits the statue right in the shoulder which knocks off his arm with the sword.

STATUE
Ooooo! My arm came off. I can't believe that happened.

BROCK
Out of the way, boys! I'm gonna give him something to really cry about.

HANK
Awww, I wanted a piece of him!

Brock picks up the statue's fallen arm and proceeds to smash him in the crotch multiple times with it. The statue falls over to Hank's chants of 'stop hitting yourself' as Brock continues to beat the crap out of the statue with his own arm.

Just then, in a cloud of green smoke, The Monarch, dressed as a more menacing version of himself, enters.

THE MONARH
While you were wasting your time, castrating a priceless antique, I have been systematically feeding babies to hungry mutated puppies!!

BROCK
Not likely, Monarch. [he throws down the statue arm]

THE MONARH
Silence!!

[THE MONARCH fires lasers from his eyes which create ice around Brock, freezing him in place]

THE MONARH
Ahahahahahahahahaaa!

HANK
[to DEAN] You know what this means. Mecha-Shiva.

DEAN
Mecha-Shiva. Go!

At this point the boys perform a fancy anime thing and turn into two pieces of a robot which combine. The Monarch freaks out and the screen ripples away, revealing the whole thing to be a story by Hank and Dean (never would have guessed that one, huh?). They're all actually in a court room, with Hank and Dean in the witness stand (who continue to repeat 'Mecha-Shiva' over and over).

THE MONARH
Wait a minute! That's insane! They're total liars! I kept my mouth shut when Dean said he could read Sanskrit. Then when Hank said he wanted a piece of him, I was like 'fine! whatever!', but Mecha-Shiva?! They are so lying, I'm innocent!

JUDGE
Calm down Mister Monarch, you'll have your chance! Order, order! I will have order!

Scene fade to Venture Bros. logo, then back to the show. No opening credits today, kids.

Outside the courtroom, two guards, uh, guard the courtroom. A man in a black trench coat and fedora (I learned that word yesterday, it's a hat like Indiana Jones wears) asks if this is the room for the people vs. The Monarch. They tell him it is, but he can't go in. The man responds by handing them a card and grabbing their wrists, which turns them all weird and veiny and, I presume, kills them. He makes a call into a radio in his coat saying he made a mess and needs some cleaners. He then enters the courtroom.

Inside the court the Monarch is cross-examining his witness, Hank:

THE MONARH
So, Hank. It is Hank, isn't it?

HANK
Yes sir.

THE MONARH
Well, Hank. What's it like to be a... [he quickly turns to the jury] Liar! Huh? Do you like being a liar, with pants constantly on fire?

TINY ATTORNEY
Objection your honor! Pleadin.

THE MONARH
I'll rephrase that. Hank? Are you a liar?

HANK
No sir, I don't think so.

THE MONARH
Yes you are!

DEAN
You're the liar!

THE MONARH
May I remind you that I am rubber and you are glue and whatever you say bounces off of me and sticks to you!

JUDGE
That's it! This court will recess for one hour! I want to see the attorneys in my chamber, now.

In the judge's chamber he tells the Monarch to behave himself. The Monarch responds by yelling at the judge (always a good thing to do). Just then Tiny Attorney walks in. Words cannot describe Tiny Attorney. Okay, maybe they can. He's a large gentleman, possibly braindead, with a smaller and older gentleman growing from his stomach. Both dress in that southern white suit thing (like Colonel Sanders), with the smaller guy wearing one of those barbershop quartet hats. Tiny Attorney assures the judge that the Monarch will go down, and that super-villains are his specialty.

Outside the court Dean and Hank eat their lunches (or rather, complain about them) while Brock and Dr. Venture, also eating sandwiches, converse:

DR. VENTURE
If I knew you could just call the cops on him I would have done it years ago! Because I'm no sissy, so sir, I would just pick up that phone and 'Officer, there's a man in a butterfly suit shooting my robot with a laser beam'.

BROCK
We'd still be waitin' for the cops to show up. The police stay out of the way of the Guild for the most part. Who do you think supplied the department with new cruisers last year?

DR. VENTURE
My tax dollars for one.

HANK
Santa Clause for two!

BROCK
Keep dreamin'. No cop would respond to a call like that.

DEAN
What about a super-cop with a jet pack and a devil-may-care attitude?

BROCK
The only way the police would get involved is if the Guild screwed with them first.

DEAN
So when the Monarch messed with the police, he messed with-

BROCK
The Guild.

HANK
I was gonna say that.

In some unknown location that seems to only be lit by a red light bulb, two Guild members (well, one really, the other one is rummaging around) talk to a mystery man on the monitor. The one paying attention tells the guy that their operatives are in place and they await their orders. The guy on the monitor tells them to proceed to stage five.

Back in the courtroom, the man in the trench coat (who is fairly obviously the Phantom Limb) assembles an injection gun type deal. A woman next to him notices, so he offers her some Pez, which she refuses because she thinks they taste like soap.

The Monarch, meanwhile, calls himself to the witness stand. After some trouble with his wings he manages to get into the witness stand and tells his story.

Apparently it all started after the publishing of a book called The Flight of the Monarch, a tell-all book filled with lies and pictures of also lies! The Monarch asked the henchman who wrote the book to step forward in twenty minutes while he consoled with Dr. Girlfriend. Later a dead henchman with a note darted to his head which said 'I did it' showed up at his bedroom door.

Tiny Attorney objects on the grounds that this has nothing to do with the trial, but the judge overrules, though he does tell the Monarch to get to the point. The Monarch goes on to say that the book also caused tension between he and Dr. Girlfriend because it showed pictures of her in past relationships and jobs and stuff. The had a huge fight that ended up with them breaking up.

THE MONARH
After an amicable parting of the ways, life went on as usual. And that was the last time I saw Dr. Gir- Dr. Ex-Girlfriend. Good riddance to bad girlfriends, I say. My guess is about then, well she was so upset about her failure to upset me that she probably went crazy rampage nuts.

[a woman with her face covered sitting next to the PHANTOM LIMB stands up and removes her face covering cloth (veil?) to reveal she is DR. GIRLFRIEND!]

DR. GIRLFRIEND
He's lying!

[various gasps from within the courtroom]

DR. VENTURE
Oh no way. That's a real big surprise.

Commercial.

Storytime! Outside the Phantom Limb's house, the doorbell rings. It's Dr. Girlfriend, all wet from the rain. The Phantom Limb lets her in and tells her to tell him what happened. Dr. Girlfriend goes on about how the Monarch is a big jerk and how she was respected before she met him. The Phantom Limb gets her the old costume she wore when she worked with him. A rather revealing number.

DR. GIRLFRIEND
What are these hard chunks?

PHANTOM LIMB
... My tears.

[shoot back to the courtroom, present day]

THE MONARH
Tears?! You have to be kidding me!! You know that sick deformed slob w- [he shudders slightly] You know he was pounding his invisible meat all-

DR. VENTURE
That's it, objection! Your honor I have children listening to this potty talk!

JUDGE
Sustained. I want that last bit stricken from the record. And my mind. Dr. Venture, you might want to take your sons out.

DR. VENTURE
Not me! There's no way I'm gonna miss this. Brock, be a lamb and take the boys somewhere?

HANK
Aw come on pop! We're not babies! Dean told me how he pounds his-

BROCK
Alright!! Yeah boys!! Uhh, heeeey, why don't we go scrounge up some adventure? [he exits the courtroom with the boys]

When they leave the Phantom Limb notifies his radio to delay the order since they've lost full containment. The guys in the red place concur.

Meanwhile, Hank and Dean have already started solving a mystery. It seems someone has left some gum on the water fountain! Brock tells them not to touch the clue since it was in someone's mouth, but Hank touches it anyway.

Back in the court Tiny Attorney cross-examines Dr. Girlfriend. After she got into her old uniform supplied by Phantom Limb, they converse about cheese and the Phantom Limb phantom feels her up. Just then the Monarch rings the doorbell and Dr. Girlfriend answers.

THE MONARH
I kneeeew you were here! The henchmen were all 'she went to her mother's', but I knew you went crawling back! To him!

DR. GIRLFRIEND
[stepping out from behind the door] Keep your voice down.

THE MONARH
Holy crap, what are you wearing!? Is that your Queen Atheria suit? You're wearing your old costume now?

DR. GIRLFRIEND
My clothes were wet and he-

THE MONARH
I can't believe you're falling for that- floating, smooth-talking jackass!! I can't even look at you in that... slut... slut. Slutty slut suit!

DR. GIRLFRIEND
I was wearing this when you first met me! I don't remember you complaining then.

THE MONARH
That's because I had you out of that rag within the first five minutes of meeting you. I made you the Monarch!

DR. GIRLFRIEND
[begins to cry] You are a monster!

THE MONARH
All- alright. That was supposed to be romantic.

DR. GIRLFRIEND
Nooo! Go to hell!! [she slams the door]

THE MONARH
... Fine!!

And that's all she heard. After that it was only some flashing lights (from the car) and more yelling, and then nothing. Nothing. Nothing.

Outside the courtroom, Dean plucks a hair from Hank's head to use as a door checker... you see if you lick the hair and stick it on the doorframe, then when someone uses the door the hair will fall and you know they used the door! Just then Dr. Orpheus comes out of the door, knocking the boys over.

DR. ORPHEUS
Do not be too hasty entering that room. I had Taco Bell for lunch! [he floats over to the courtroom entrance] Expert witness, Dr. Byron Orpheus has arrived! [the courtroom doors close behind him]

HANK
[examining the bathroom door] The hair's gone! A clue!

DEAN
It was Dr. O the whole time. I wonder what that means?

BROCK
It means Dr. Orpheus had to take a dump. So- nice job. Case closed.

In the courtroom, Dr. Orpheus is sworn in, though he uses the Necronomicon instead of the Bible, as is fitting for a man of his profession.

TINY ATTORNEY
Dr. Orpheus, could you tell the court what it is that you... do? You're a type of magician?

DR. VENTURE
Oh, they have no idea what they're in for.

DR. ORPHEUS
Well, if you must call me that, yes. But if you are after mere parlor tricks, you will be sorely disappointed. For if I reach behind your ear it will not be a nickel I pull out, but your very soooouuul!!

DR. VENTURE
Good night ladies and gentlemen, you've been a great crowd.

Tiny Attorney goes on to say that Dr. O's claim sounds like a lot of crazy hocus pocus, and if the jury (the somewhat confused and slightly freaked out jury) believes in that then they must believe the Monarch's explanation for what happened, because he's offered no other explanation than magic.

Outside the court Brock and the boys peer out from the bathroom. Brock thinks something is afoot:

BROCK
Something big is goin' down. This place is crawling with Strangers.

HANK
You can't expect to know everybody.

BROCK
No, Hank, uh, Strangers are undercover Guild operatives.

DEAN
We gotta warn pop!

BROCK
No, Dean, this is Guild business, your father isn't in any harm. Guild work is clean, professional. It's surgical with them. In a way they're the only organization I still respect.

HANK
And they kill clean, don't let dames get in the way.

BROCK
Honestly, Hank, where do you pick that stuff up? I never see you read.

DEAN
It's weird, right.

BROCK
It's like he channels dead crazy people.

HANK
You think it's a cry for help?

At the trial, Tiny Attorney asks if Orpheus could read the Monarch's mind. After a second, the judge agrees, despite the Monarch's protest. What Orpheus finds out will chill you to your very soooouuuullll!! Ahem.

Outside Phantom Limb's house, the Monarch has drank quite a lot and is now taking a leak in the bushes. A police officer comes up to the Monarch, telling him he got a call about a disturbance. The Monarch tells the cop to go away, explaining the situation in as drunk a manor as possible. The cop is about to take out his gun or handcuffs when a dart hits the Monarch in the neck, causing him to pass out. A Stranger walks up to the cop, and hands him a briefcase full of cash, informing him they have a new life set up for him, including a super-model wife. They part ways as other Strangers cart off the Monarch, who asks if he has an erection.

Back in the courtroom, Orpheus ends the mind-reading process and is about the tell the judge the above paragraph when Phantom Limb tells the Strangers to strike. A Guild freeze team runs into the court. Brock and the boys, still in the bathroom, duck down on the ground (even though there's pee-pee there). The team goes into the courtroom and sprays everyone, with only the Phantom Limb and Dr. Girlfriend not getting frozen, thanks to their Pez dispensers.

The Phantom limb orders a level three memory wipe for everyone, and Tiny Attorney, who turns out to be number three on the Guild's most wanted list, is carted away. One of the Strangers asks what to do about Orpheus, since memory wipes don't work on necromancers. Phantom Limb points out that they do, however, take to hypnotic suggestions like 'cancer to a prostate'. Phantom Limb whispers to Orpheus that it was the Monarch who did it, and he's a very bad man who wants to hurt the Venture family. He also promises Orpheus a new arch-rival, just like he always wanted.

Dr. Girlfriend starts to object to framing the Monarch, but the Phantom Limb explains that someone has to take the fall. He tells her that she, however, was perfect, and the Guild will reward her for her service. The Monarch, however, is screwed. Dr. Girlfriend tries the hypnotic suggestion on the Monarch as well. She tells him that she had nothing to do with this, and it was all the Venture brothers' fault.

One of the Strangers thanks Brock for his non-interference, and tells Brock they have twenty seconds before the freeze wears off.

Back in the courtroom, things go on as normal:

JUDGE
Continue Mr. Orpheus, you were saying?

DR. ORPHEUS
I hope they find me a girl villain.

JUDGE
Mr. Orpheus?

DR. ORPHEUS
A redhead.

DR. VENTURE
Psh, he's gonna blow it. Brock! When did you get back? What happened to the little guy riding the retard?

BROCK
Don't worry about it.

JUDGE
Mr. Orpheus, you were telling us what you learned.

DR. ORPHEUS
That is true, I was. With my own eyes I have, seen, into his senses. I have been a witness to his doings, and I have found, that the Monarch is, without any shadow of a doubt, [takes a deep breath] GUILTY!!

Roll end credits.

In jail, the Monarch talks to Dr. Girlfriend:

THE MONARH
Oh my precious pook-ums, of course I forgive you! Why in a few, oh I don't know, decades, I'll be out of here, and we can, we can just, start again.

HENCHMAN
[dressed like DR. GIRLFRIEND] Can I go now? Everybody's staring at me.

Notes

  • This episode was written and produced last for the season (the season finale was actually written and animated before this episode and 112) and in fact was only delivered to [as] the Thursday before the air date. This was partly due to the entire opening scene being redesigned so that the characters were dressed as fantasy versions of themselves with Hank as Indiana Jones, Dean as Magnum PI, Brock as Knight Rider, HELPeR as a cooler version of himself and the Monarch as a more menacing version of himself. The boys also didn't originally turn into Mecha-Shiva, they just jumped on each other's backs.

  • Most (if not all) of the jury members are people who work on the show, including writers Jackson Publick (the guy in the black suit) and Doc Hammer

  • There are also various live action shots of the staff on the Guild control monitors as well as pictures of NYC from Astrobase, and various things lying around the studio.

  • Speaking of, the two Guild members in the control room, while not named in the episode, are actually named Watch and Ward, according to ye ole Live Journal. The conversations they have are also lifted right out of Astrobase conversations, because you know, they pee a lot over there.

  • When the Monarch sees pictures of Dr. Girlfriend's old uniform he asks (sarcastically) if it was designed by Frank Frazetta. Probably not too common knowledge, but Frank Frazetta is known for drawing scantly clad people. Makes sense, right? More info here if you'd like.

  • The 'dirty pillows' line in the same scene is a reference to the horror film Carrie. I never saw the movie myself (somehow), but it's fairly obvious as to what 'dirty pillows' refers to, so I won't get into it.

  • As has been pointed out to me multiple times, Tiny Attorney shares some design influences with a character from the film Total Recall. A few people sent in e-mails about this, but Jeffrey LeClaire is the most recent one so he gets all the credit:

    Anyway, the lawyer in the episode, the "little guy riding the retard," is a reference to the Arnold Schwarzenegger film TOTAL RECALL. In that, Arnold's character meets the leader of the rebellious Martian mutants. He seems like an average guy, until he reveals that he isn't actually the leader, and unbuttons his shirt, revealing the true leader: the mutated baby with psychic powers sticking out of his chest named Kuato! The lawyer in the Venture Bros. episode is obviously Kuato, with a large amount of "stereotypical Southern lawyer" thrown in.

    Here's a picture of Kuato if you're curious.

  • Dr. Orpheus, when sworn in at the witness stand, swears upon the Necronomicon instead of the Bible. The Necronomicon is actually a fictional book of magic invented by popular sci-fi writer H.P. Lovecraft (same guy who created the Cthulhu). In specific the version shown in this episode is called the Necronomicon Ex Mortis and has a face and mouth, and made its most popular (probably) appearance in Evil Dead II and Army of Darkness, the second and third movies in the Evil Dead trilogy of movies.

Episode Cast

James Urbaniak Dr. Venture
The Phantom Limb
Judge
Michael Sinterniklaas Dean Venture
Patrick Warburton Brock Samson
Chris McCulloch Hank Venture
The Monarch
Tiny Attorney
Monarch Henchman 2
Security Guards 1 & 2
Watch
Bailiff
Stephen Ratazzi Dr. Orpheus
Doc Hammer Dr. Girlfriend
Monarch Henchman 1
Stranger
Ward
Nina Hellman Woman in court

Screencaps

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