A Very Venture Christmas
Original Air Date:December 19, 2004
Written by:Jackson Publick
- and iron elf, SOUL-BOT as H.E.L.P.eR.
In the Christmas speical, Dr. Venture is a bit behind on his shopping, but he's excited about hosting his annual Christmas Eve shindig. Brock turns out to have some sentimental Yuletide traditions. Dean and Hank, who still believe in Santa Claus, accidentally unlock a magical demon who threatens to ruin Dr. Venture's annual Christmas party and murder all his guests. Dr. Billy Quizboy and Mr. White hit on Traina, Dr. Orpheus' underage daughter. Meanwhile, The Monarch plans the ultimate gift for Dr. Girlfriend--the destruction of the entire Venture Compound.
An Astrobase Go Special Presentation.
We starts off with Dr. Venture in a snow-covered graveyard. A tall, black cloaked figure stands over him, pointing at a grave. Dr. Venture asks the cloaked spirit if what he is about to see is a shadow of what will be, or of what may be. The spirit keeps pointing, so Dr. Venture walks over to the grave, which says 'Here Lies Dr. Thaddeus S. Venture'.
Spirit! Tell me! Is this my grave?!
[the spirit takes off his hood to reveal he's BROCK... with bone arms]
What's it look like, genius?
Noooo, spirit! Noooo!! [he hugs the spirit's arm and weeps]
However at this point we hear the classic harp sounds and Dr. Venture wakes up, safe in his bed. He vows to live in the past, present and the future. And wouldn't you know, his heart grew three sizes that day.
He runs out onto his balcony and waves at Hank and asks him what today is. Hank, putting down his skimpy Christmas tree with a single bulb, tells him it's Christmas day. Dr. Venture, who is acting super-giddy, says that the spirits had done it all in one night, and suddenly his nose glows red. Even more suddenly he's in his underwear and nothing else and begins to fly over the Venture Compound.
Merry Christmas, ya old fountain! Merry Christmas shiny X-1! Merry Christmas Dr. Orpheus!
Merry Christmas, Mr. Venture!
Merry Christmas, HELPeR!
[dressed as Tiny Tim] [beeps]
[as a Jack-In-The-Box] Why didn't he wish me a Merry Christmas? Nobody wants a Dean-In-The-Box!
Dr. Venture flies around for a few seconds more, laughing like a crazy person, and finally crashes into a tree. The screen fades to static to reveal Dr. Venture has been dreaming the whole time. In fact he fell asleep on the remote (which is stuck to his face) and all the Christmas specials have contributed to his insane dream.
Oh thank god. I thought I turned into a complete [censored].
Roll opening credits.
Morning at the Venture Compound, Brock is attempting to order a gift for Dean. However it seems the catalog he's trying to order out of (which Dean has been leaving around the house the past few weeks as a hint) is from 1976. Dean walks in as Brock and Dr. Venture leave the kitchen and asks if one of them left the catalog there. Brock looks back for a second and then keeps walking. Dean is harder to shop for that Hank.
When they leave Dean dials insanely quickly (and I think he only hits five numbers) and gets one of those dial-a-Santa charge by the minute lines. Today's special Christmas story is all about Christmas in Holland!
Hank, meanwhile, is searching for presents in Brock's (I think) closet. Brock catches him and Hank tries to say he was looking for Christmas videos, since he happens to notice some Christmas themed videos on the shelf.
Ohh, here they are! Miracle on 69th Street, Jingle Balls, Frothy the Blowman, Rudolph the Red-
Okay, Hank [he grabs the boxes from HANK] listen, I need help putting up the lights, okay? [he hands Hank a staple gun]
Like holding the staple gun is helping. [he twirls it on his finger, cowboy style, and quickly sticks it in is pocket, also cowboy style] What were those elves doing to that lady?
They're dwarves, Hank. Come on.
Hank walks out of the room with Brock when he notices baby Jesus is out of the manger. He says this, which causes Brock to check his fly (there's a euphemism for weiner I've not yet heard... well now I have), until he realizes Hank is talking about... baby Jesus. Hank is about to put it in the manger when Brock tells him that it doesn't go there until midnight. Venture tradition. I guess Hank forgot.
They exit and the baby Jesus rolls over to reveal a weird thingy on its back. The camera quickly pans over to the manger which has another weird thingy on it. Finally, a see-through of the table the nativity is on reveals that it's loaded with C4 and the baby Jesus is the trigger. Who could be behind this devious plot?!
Just then the plastic Joseph in the nativity comes to life (well, he always was alive, but he just starts moving again). He gets a message from, you guessed it, the Monarch in his earpiece informing him that his work is done and he should return to base. He replaces himself with an actual plastic Joseph and runs off.
At the cocoon:
Phew. We almost lost one of our agents. Granted his specialty is pretty limited, but he's an irreplaceable element of my sexy new plan to destroy Dr. Venture!
Oh. Well. It was supposed to be a surprise. For you. For, Christmas.
Killing your arch-enemy on Christmas Eve, that's a gift for me?
Well, I got you some stocking stuffers too...
Unbelievable! The selfishness!
Well you hate him too! Or were you just lying on our first date!?
[groans] So what's the big plan?
Hah! I'm glad you asked! Behold!! [a scale model of the Venture Compound raises from the ground] Tiny Joseph has managed to slip into the Venture Compound and cleverly booby-trap it. At the strike of midnight, Dr. Venture will place his precious porcelain baby Christ in its manger, ohh. And when he does, it will set off a series of explosions that will deck his halls with bowels of Venture!
That model was supposed to be a surprise.
... I peeked.
At the Venture Compound that night, Dr. V is having his usual (I guess) Christmas Eve shindig, with all his old pals... even the ones who tried to kill him. Billy Quizboy and Pete White, however, have spotted Triana, who is sitting alone on the couch.
Hold the phone. Total babe alert. Twelve o'clock.
Oh yeah, I know her type. Ahh, watch and learn, Willamina.
Okay, one: you're totally gay. Two: she's hot, and you're an albino. And three: you're totally gay.
[sitting next to TRIANA] You know, I was the first DJ at my college radio station to play the Bauhaus.
That's... great. Wow, that makes you like sixty or something, huh?
Nope, just cool. Oop! Mistletoe. [he has one of those dumb mistletoe on a string things on his head]
Just then his mistletoe poofs away in a ball of fire and smolders. Pete looks over to his other side to see Dr. Orpheus staring at him, none too happy. Pete, being the educated man he is, runs away from the angry necromancer whose underage daughter he has just hit on. Triana tells her dad she can take care of herself, and he apologizes and then yells at the room saying his daughter's maiden head is not a prize to be won. She yells at him before he can finish yelling though, and he walks off.
Ooh, Orpheus. I wasn't expecting you to show up. Didn't think necromancers believed in Christmas.
Well, the whole affair is about as real as Kwanza, or uh, the Wookie's Life Day, but I find it charming.
Dean, meanwhile, is still on the phone.
That gay albino is hitting on your not-girlfriend.
[to the phone] Wait, what? That's it?! What does that even mean? The camel's poo toys? Hello! Hello?! Urh! [he hangs up]
Well, did you get a good one?
No. And I maxed out pop's diner's club card, so we can't call any more.
Well we can't just bail on Christmas story time. It's tradition! How 'bout Grinch?
Nah, did it last year. Wait, I know, Dr. Orpheus brought this old book with him. [they look over at a book on the table] He used it when he was baking those gingerbread cookies, but maybe it's got some good Christmas stories in it.
He opens the book and some spooky gray fog floats out of it. They flip through for a second and stop on a picture of a weird goat-footed demon. Dean reads off a bunch of words in a weird language (German maybe? Sounds kinda Latin, but I can't tell). Outside the kitchen Dr. Orpheus hears this and rushes into the kitchen. He puts a lock on Dean's mouth (quite literally), but he's too late.
A weird demon guy with chains on his hands, two scared children in a basket on his back, a long tongue and also long nipples busts through the door. He wanders around as Dr. O explains that this intruder is the Krampus. A demon that once rode side-by-side with St. Nicholas and dished out punishment to boys and girls who had been naughty while St. Nick dished out toys to the nice.
That's ridiculous, there's no such thing as Santa Claus.
Not since he was killed by a jet in 1963, no. Nor has there been a Krampus since the pope cast him into purgatory during Vatican two. But your boys seem to have inadvertently released him from his chains.
Dean did it, I wanted to read the Grinch!
[mumbles since his mouth is still locked shut]
[KRAMPUS licks TRIANA'S face]
What kind of kinky Christmas spirit is that?
It is Germanic in origin.
Well can't you just- I don't know, magic it away or something?
No more than you could science it away. No, the beast will not stop until it has punished the wicked in this house!
Well there's no one wicked-
The Krampus grabs Dr. Venture and this point (never saw that coming I bet) and starts hitting him with a palm branch and then smacks his head into the ground a few times before dry humping him. At this point Dr. Venture yells for Brock, who busts into the room dressed as Santa (sans the beard or fat) and fights the Krampus.
After a bit of fighting the clock strikes midnight and the Krampus gets up and starts to leave. Brock is about to throw his knife at it, but Dr. O stops him, saying the Krampus is done and will now leave. As the Krampus is leaving, much to the delight of the Monarch, he puts the baby Jesus into the manger.
Outside the Venture Compound we see the inside exploding, and then black.
Dr. Venture wakes up inside the X-1 with a thermometer in his butt. Brock tells him he was having a nightmare.
So everything's okay then?
Not exactly, we- kinda have a situation here. The X-1 crashed, radio's dead and we're in hostile territory.
Bethlehem. [he holds oh a sign that says 'Church of the Nativity']
[the boys run in]
Daddy! You're alive!
[at the same time] Pop! You're okay!
This is he best Christmas present ever!
Hey, pop, we saw where Jesus was born! And there's like- magical godfire shooting out of it and everything!
Just like in Ten Commandments.
I think we hit a gas main.
So, what do we do here, Brock?
Well, that all depends. If the Israelis get here first then we might have a chance; I know some guys in the Mossad. If the PLO shows up, well, my Arabic's a little shaky.
Not a problem! Did you forget this baby runs on pure plutonium? They're gonna love us!
And that's what Christmas is alllll about!
Roll end credits.
- For the more perceptive of you, you may have noticed that some things that took place at the end of season 1 have not carried over here. For you continuity freaks (which many of you may not be, what with being fans of Adult Swim broadcasts such as Sealab and ATHF), this episode takes place before the events in "Trial of the Monarch" but after events in "Ice-Station Impossible". [edited 12/24/2010]
- The even more perceptive may have noticed a variety of guests that appeared in the show at Dr. Venture's party. These include the Mexican wrestlers from "Dia de los Dangerous!", Sally Impossible (now visibly pregnant) and Professor Impossible from "Ice Station Impossible", Sasquatch and Steve Summers from "Home Insecurity", Col. Gentleman and Otto Aquarius from "Past Tense", Mandelay from "The Incredible Mr. Brisby" and Action Man and Kano from "Ghosts of the Sargasso" and "Past Tense". [edited 12/24/2010]
- If you're still into being perceptive, the runtime of this episode is a scant 11 minutes (which includes the opening and closing credits), making it the shortest episode of Venture Brothers ever. But you knew that already.
- You may also have noticed that the opening credits were dressed up all nice for Christmas. Many of the colors were replaced with red and green, and a wreath and falling snow made an appearance in much of it as well.
- As noted by Derek Seabury (who is more perceptive than I) via e-mail, the statue in front of the Venture Compound of Dr. Jonas Venture and little Rusty has them decked out in Santa hats which are carved right into the status. Apparently Dr. Venture spares no expense at Christmas in his dreams.
- In case you were wondering, Dean's Christmas wish for a Jokermobile could have actually been fulfilled. Reader Youda Manola pointed out to me that they've actually reproduced this toy, and you can buy one if you really want. Here's nice picture of it if you just want to check it out.
Dr. Venture also mentions that the Green Machine he ordered probably won't show up either. This is a reference to the kids three-wheeler of the same name though it was out of production at the time the episode was produced it's being made once again. [edited 12/24/2010]
- Being a Christmas show, this mini-episode references a crapload of other Christmas specials, both insanely obscure and painfully obvious. Off the top of my head there's Christmas Carol (the majority of the opening), It's a Wonderful Life (also the opening), Charlie Brown Christmas (Hank's tree), Rudolph The Red-Nodes Reindeer (the stop-motion one), the Star Wars Christmas special (which is the obscure, and occurs when Dr. Orpheus mentions Wookie Life Day) and How the Grinch Stole Christmas (Dr. Venture's heart growing). The opening graphic 'An Astrobase Go Special Presentation' is a parody of the old CBS special presentation graphic which was in use by CBS for many years whenever they had a special presentation.
- Pete (still called only 'Mr. White' back in season one) mentions that he was the first at his college to play Bauhaus, which is telling since that band only existed from 1979 until 1983 (and again from 2005-2006). Triana notes that would make him 'like 60' though at the time of this episode's airing Bauhaus would have formed 25 years ago, making Pete more likely to be in his late 40s. But you know, kids. [added 12/24/2010]
- The demon guy in this episode, Krampus, is actually a real myth as Dr. Orpheus described it. Krampus rode around with St. Nick and punished girls and boys who had been bad while Santa gave the good ones presents. Weird as hell. Here's a little more info on him. Much thanks to dragonscholar on The VB Fans LJ letting me know that the proper spelling is 'Krampus'. Krumpus is a band. [edited 12/24/2010]
- Delving deeper into the Krampus scene, Anthony Suorez wrote me a very informative e-mail about Hank and Dean accidently summoning Krampus:
In "A Very Venture Christmas" when Dean is reading aloud from Dr O's book, he rattles off the "Words of Making" an apparently all purpose magical chant used by Merlin and Morgana in the movie Excalibur (Directed by John Boorman, released 1981).
Those words are follows (as phonetically as I can make them): "All-Nall-Na-Thrack, Oos-Vus-Be-Thud, Doss-Dell-De-Envy."
So that's another of the nearly infinite number of references in Venture Bros. Good stuff, thanks Anthony.
However, the mysterious 'Doctor X' informs me that Anthony's translation is a bit off. It's apparently supposed to be "ana:l nathrakh, u:rth va:s bethud, dokhje:l djenve:", which, in old Irish is "Anál nathrach, orth' bháis's bethad, do chél dénmha" (this is how it's pronounced) which means "Serpent's breath, charm of death and life, thy omen of making." This spell is called 'charm of making'. Here's some more info on that. Thanks Doc X!
- Brock's 'Christmas tapes' were, of course, Christmas-themed porn. They were Miracle on 69th Street (not shown, but mentioned by Hank), Frothy the Blowman, Jingle Balls and Rudolph the Red Knobbed Reindeer.
- The Monarch, for whatever reason, is not wearing his wings in his two scenes.
- 'HavocWare' was not only nice enough to find a weird error in the credits, but he also sent along a screenshot of it.