Comment Thread
- by Mogo
- (unregistered id: DAB49CBA9F)
I need you help. I've decided to write the season but the problem is I can't decide on the format. On one hand the regular, novel like fan fic format allows me to get it on Fanficiton.net and get more exposure but the script fic format makes it much easier to write and makes the dialouge flow easier. What do you guys think? and do you know other ways I could distribute it?
- by Mogo
- (unregistered id: DAB49CBA9F)
If anyones still out there: here's both versions of the first scene. Gimme feed back.
THE MONARCHS COCOON
Gary was packing up his stuff and was happy. Happy to finally be done with the Monarch. What was next, he didn't know but Gary felt the best he had in months. Gary was on a high when he noticed the suspect list for 24's murder. He would of just tossed it aside but he noticed 2 things:All of the names were crossed off, and the monarchs name was added. "Well what do you know, It looks like the trail just went warm again." Gary said with a hint of entusiam. Gary tucked the note inside his higlander jacket and proceded to continue packing. "I'll get back to this later, I wanna get out of here before the Monarch get's back." He proceded to grab the last of his things as he exited the cocoon. But as Gary entred the Hangar to take his rental car out of here, he saw all of the Henchman standing around. "If you want to stop me, go ahead and try." Gary said, trying to sound badass as he could, but his voice cracked a bit. But the henchman said nothing. They merely saluted, all of them at once. Gary saluted back as he left his home for over 20 years. He left the cocoon as he looked unsure. "Well 21... I mean Gary, what now?" he said to himself.
That was the prose version
This is the script version:
Scene 1:You'll Never Get Rid of Me
(Gary/21 is packing up his things as he prepares to leave the cocoon forever. He's weraing a brown duster and jeans, civilian wear.)
Gary:Well guess this is it. Can't say i'll miss this....
(Gary looks over the where the Lazarus Project list should be.)
Gary:Someone stole it! That means... no no. You promised yourself you wouldn't.
24's Voice:Wouldn't come back?
(24's ghost appears)
Gary:No no I got rid of you. I GOT RID OF YOU!
(the scene melts as 24's visage twists into the Monarchs)
The Monarch:You'll never get rid of me 21! Never Never!
(We see Gary awaken in a cold sweat in his mothers basement. He's visably shaken.)
Gary:Another nightmare this is getting rediculous.
(shows Gandalf in bed next to him)
Gary:Awww dammit. I'm still dreaming!
Dr.Girlfreind(As Gandalf morphs into her):Are you sure
(She kisses Gary but he turns away.)
Gary:Given the fact you were just Gandalf the Grey 2 seconds ago, yeah I am.
(Dr.Girlfreind get's angry and transforms into 24, who then turns into frighting zombie version of 24.)
24:WHY DID YOU FORGET! WHY DID YOU FORGET!
Gary:I didn't I didn't I didn't!
(Cut to Gary's rpp,, Gary is in his bed muttering in his sleep....)
Gary:I didn't I didin't I didin't
(Gary's Mom yells)
Gary's Mom:GARY DID YOU HAVE ANOTHER NIGHTMARE?
(Gary wakes up, but still has his eyes closed)
Gary:Yeah mom. Just go back to bed.
Gary's Mom:Well keep it down in there. I"m trying to sleep. One of us has to work tommorow
Gary:You got it mom. "Sigh" I have got to solve 21's murder. I owe him that much.
Gary's Mom:GARY!
Gary:WHAT NOW MOM?
Gary's Mom:LADY'S WINING CAN YOU TAKE HER OUT?
(Gary sighs)
(Beat)
Gary's Mom:WAS THAT A YES?
(Openining Titles)
THE MONARCHS COCOON
Gary was packing up his stuff and was happy. Happy to finally be done with the Monarch. What was next, he didn't know but Gary felt the best he had in months. Gary was on a high when he noticed the suspect list for 24's murder. He would of just tossed it aside but he noticed 2 things:All of the names were crossed off, and the monarchs name was added. "Well what do you know, It looks like the trail just went warm again." Gary said with a hint of entusiam. Gary tucked the note inside his higlander jacket and proceded to continue packing. "I'll get back to this later, I wanna get out of here before the Monarch get's back." He proceded to grab the last of his things as he exited the cocoon. But as Gary entred the Hangar to take his rental car out of here, he saw all of the Henchman standing around. "If you want to stop me, go ahead and try." Gary said, trying to sound badass as he could, but his voice cracked a bit. But the henchman said nothing. They merely saluted, all of them at once. Gary saluted back as he left his home for over 20 years. He left the cocoon as he looked unsure. "Well 21... I mean Gary, what now?" he said to himself.
That was the prose version
This is the script version:
Scene 1:You'll Never Get Rid of Me
(Gary/21 is packing up his things as he prepares to leave the cocoon forever. He's weraing a brown duster and jeans, civilian wear.)
Gary:Well guess this is it. Can't say i'll miss this....
(Gary looks over the where the Lazarus Project list should be.)
Gary:Someone stole it! That means... no no. You promised yourself you wouldn't.
24's Voice:Wouldn't come back?
(24's ghost appears)
Gary:No no I got rid of you. I GOT RID OF YOU!
(the scene melts as 24's visage twists into the Monarchs)
The Monarch:You'll never get rid of me 21! Never Never!
(We see Gary awaken in a cold sweat in his mothers basement. He's visably shaken.)
Gary:Another nightmare this is getting rediculous.
(shows Gandalf in bed next to him)
Gary:Awww dammit. I'm still dreaming!
Dr.Girlfreind(As Gandalf morphs into her):Are you sure
(She kisses Gary but he turns away.)
Gary:Given the fact you were just Gandalf the Grey 2 seconds ago, yeah I am.
(Dr.Girlfreind get's angry and transforms into 24, who then turns into frighting zombie version of 24.)
24:WHY DID YOU FORGET! WHY DID YOU FORGET!
Gary:I didn't I didn't I didn't!
(Cut to Gary's rpp,, Gary is in his bed muttering in his sleep....)
Gary:I didn't I didin't I didin't
(Gary's Mom yells)
Gary's Mom:GARY DID YOU HAVE ANOTHER NIGHTMARE?
(Gary wakes up, but still has his eyes closed)
Gary:Yeah mom. Just go back to bed.
Gary's Mom:Well keep it down in there. I"m trying to sleep. One of us has to work tommorow
Gary:You got it mom. "Sigh" I have got to solve 21's murder. I owe him that much.
Gary's Mom:GARY!
Gary:WHAT NOW MOM?
Gary's Mom:LADY'S WINING CAN YOU TAKE HER OUT?
(Gary sighs)
(Beat)
Gary's Mom:WAS THAT A YES?
(Openining Titles)
- by optimus divisible by 2
- (unregistered id: E013296511)
I prefer novel-like when writing, just because I find it hard to keep a dialogue once I wrote it. If I feel it's funny when I wrote it, I usually don't find it funny after a read or two or find a funnier way to get through the scene later, and it's easier to change a sentence describing the conversation than the conversation itself. Both of your scenes are great, particularly the second which has more vivid imagery.
Either way, it's hard to imagine if Gary continues down the path to solving 24's death, the monarch's name on the list has to put him back on the hunt in some capacity, especially since whatever he decides to do now he'll have to run into them again at somepoint. If he finally did put it behind him, then 24's gone forever, since the monarch DEFINETLY won't care enough to pursue who did it or even to get Gary back. The monarch's empire is crumbling, and how he picks up after Gary leaves may see him demoted from Venture's arch. If he can get past his ill will, maybe join the Revenge Society to arch Venture with them or get back at the Guild for demoting him.
Either way, it's hard to imagine if Gary continues down the path to solving 24's death, the monarch's name on the list has to put him back on the hunt in some capacity, especially since whatever he decides to do now he'll have to run into them again at somepoint. If he finally did put it behind him, then 24's gone forever, since the monarch DEFINETLY won't care enough to pursue who did it or even to get Gary back. The monarch's empire is crumbling, and how he picks up after Gary leaves may see him demoted from Venture's arch. If he can get past his ill will, maybe join the Revenge Society to arch Venture with them or get back at the Guild for demoting him.
- by Mogo
- (unregistered id: B50DB16F10)
My plan is very simple:I decided to do the novel thing. I think it works better. But I do plan to drop the nightmare thing, that made no sense. And as for the murder investigation thing that's on the side, Gary's finding a new life but figures he has to put the old one to rest. Meanwhile expect much more this season.
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